i am going a little crazy...

My usually therapy is what I am returning to after what I describe as a trip on something and Janene describes as a panic attack. There are a few post that need to be put up to fill you in on my life but nothing bad, actually things are going really well right now. Well, I am just procrasting at my strangeness.

I am in London and woke up around 0445 after a wierd dream, went to the bathroom, then came back to bed. I put my eye mask back on and my feet out of the sheets as I was burning up. I was rehashing my dream thinking how strange it was and how vivid when I pulled my feet back in and pulled off my mask because I didn't want to be touched by spirits. We do stay in haunted hotels but I haven't heard anyting about this one. All of a sudden I didn't want to sleep, I turned on the lights in a panic. I didn't know anyone else's room number, "what is wrong with me?", I only had two glasses of wine, I had some Indian take-away in the city was there magic mushrooms in it. Finally I called Janene who told me to get out of the room. I described my dream which is pieced together as follows: my building and the builing next to mine in Portland were flooding and I was evacuating it but this big guy who was a friends dad in the dream (really more like the guy from Orange County Choppers) was pushing furniture around in the water. People were leaving and speaking to me in langauges that I understood but told them to move aside. After that I was in my loft to seek in and see what was going on to find that Russians were moving stuff out of my now warehouse size house and we were scared of getting caught. There was a whole room filled with porn in VHS form and then a group of my friends were hanging out in a circle talking then two identical priest walked in I went to the porn room and got them matching tapes with two matching vibrators. I walk out of the room and now there is a nail salon ran but black queens and Hilary is there with huge coloriful nails in large silver oven mitts with her hands in the air. The head guy, my ISM, told me it was okay to take her mitts off and play cards. Then we were in this room with computers and Yoder's ex was telling me how he paid for college by selling drugs. Meanwhile I am being them pushing white powder into ridges on a board. Then the Russians came in and were friendly saying that when the lease was up that everyone got the remaining contents in their room of export. I had a chain-link fence in my living room and this butch head of the organization hugged me.

I have no idea how long I was dreaming and I actually still feel like I could wake up at any moment. I am in the crew room now, avoiding my room and feeling sillier by the moment. There is a guy on my crew next to me who hasn't even acknowledged me to make me think this may still be a part of my dream. If this is a panic attack I want nothing to do with it, but I will tell you one thing...no more Indian food for me!

koala bear sheets

I have just returned home after a week of absense. First in Oregon followed directly by LGW. I picked up the trip so I could stay one more night in my beautiful home town and in the comfort of Dave May's bed. I created good karma by helping the agents in PDX out with boarding which ensured my ticket to work. I traded a guy for the back galley of the 777, and I will have to admit, I was a bit overwhelmed at first and forgot to warm up all the bread yesterday but today...piece of cake. And it was nice to be away from dealing with passengers. I tried a new route home today and got as far as Canal Street before I wound up in Brooklyn. Finally back to the neighborhood and found a parking spot right off then proceeded to take my roller board, backpack, handbag, purse, and a collapasable bed down the street and up four flights of stairs. The next hour was spent blowing up a twin size air mattress and making myself dizzy. Finally, I had my foundation for a bed. Next came koala bear sheets that I used to have as a child. It made me absolutely giddy to put them on! The five pillows I have take over the bed but add to the comfort that both George and I have enjoyed via an afternoon nap. I go from partying with queens over crew juice to a mellow evening in Manhattan that will include a beer and some bbq.

nomad

I am sitting in my old neighborhood; the sun is out, I look and feel great besides the fact that I am currently a nomad. Starbucks is my place until both my computer and phone charge. Every door I went and knocked on was vacant. I thought about going to my place to see if my renters were home and would let me hang out for a while but I thought better of it. The day that was open for possibilities is slowly slipping away from me. I have run a few errands, had coffee with Anne, lunch with Amy, and awaiting calls back to fill my card for happy hour. I picked up a trip to ol’ LGW just so I can have peace of mind not being on call tomorrow. Manhattan seems a lifetime away right now; I doubt I will return to the apartment until after my trip, as it is such an ordeal to get back and forth.

A day ago I mourned the loss of my father officially at his service followed by the reception. It was an easier process than first thought. I suppose it is due to the two months I have had to let it all sink in. With the support of my ladies, I made it through with a handful of tears. But let me tell you, when they played Taps on the trumpet, I let the tears flow.

return to dad

My gallivanting around the globe has only taken me to a few places thus far. I must have “sucker:” written on my profile because scheduling is constantly changing my trips. I was off to trip to Shannon that I picked up when, while suck on ninth ave, the phone rang and I instinctively picked it up. Would I mind going to Paris instead, was the question that was really direction. Sure, why not. I spent the next few hours in Jersey as to avoid the mass exit from the island of Manhattan and then headed off to work. Our crew was nice and laid back and with only one of the female. I have noticed that there tends to be more straight men on international flights and they all seem to love the hell out of me. A nap upon arrival gave me the energy to enjoy a Thai dinner with some of the other crews and our IRO and the mid flight’s FO ended up shutting down the hotel bar. I was escorted to my room by the FO, who kissed me goodnight. It was sort of out of the blue but won’t have been so bad accept he was a horrible kisser. I don’t know when boys stopped learning how to kiss well, or maybe it is a NE thing but the last two out of three guys have been horrible. The middle guy was from LA, the good kisser. Off to bed I went after my nightly ritual and then next morning came a bit early for me to discover toothpaste not only all over the sink but also my shoulder and hair. I must have had too many beers the night prior but at least I got my teeth brushed. I spent a blissful twenty hours in my fabulous apartment before packing up and trying to get on a flight to Portland. No such luck with the direct so now I find myself in between two, not so friendly guys would need to sit with their legs apart and hitting mine, the guys sit reclined in the front of me and for a while the kid behind me singing something. I can empathize with our passengers as I can say that I am not comfortable in the least bit and the crew isn’t very friendly either. Vegas is my stop over for the night and I am hoping enjoy a quick stay in Sin City. The week ahead of me is a bit grim, as my father’s service will be held. I am uneasy, as I have finally come to terms with his passing only to have to relive his death once more. It will be nice to see everyone and formally celebrate his life but…well it just sucks, emotional wise.

lgw-lgw-move

I sit in my new apartment, wide-awake at 0130. The road to get here to this moment of peace has been filled with bumps and hurdles. We found the place almost a month ago and put our application in, days upon days of sending more things to the man on the other end of the phone with a silly accent. Finally on the second we signed our lease. Our own little place on the Upper East Side! I had to go to LGW that evening so I was only able to move my clothes before I had to go home and get ready for work. A classmate and I worked the first class section and had a great time goofing around. A Temptation was on the flight and ended up giving me his number and inviting me to a show later in the month. After my return to the US, I loaded up my car with belongings and George and set off for the city. Christina had called in sick so she had most of her stuff gone already. She helped me get my stuff upstairs and then we set off to find dinner. I was good for the next day and then had two days off to finish moving. Well my plan was foiled by the phone ringing at 1100, I was off to BRS for the next three days leaving at 1940…okay that left me a whole day to get things done. Sunday brunch at a lovely outdoor café around 1330 and the phone rings again. Now I am supposed to be at airport alert at 1600. Crap! Had to run back and get ready to find my tire was flat. Luckily I now live across the street from a parking garage. I put on my best girl face and went over to see if they had air. Well the guy didn’t speak English so I did my best play charades of blowing up a tire. He ended up changing it for me. I drove through the Lincoln Tunnel after getting lost since the main street was closed due to a street fair. I make it to work two minutes late and call to check in. The phone rings with one hour and fifty-five minutes in to go to LGW. I walked the mile to the gate to find out that I was not needed and it was a mistake. Back to the crew room I went to sit for another hour until I was called once more for the later LGW flight. Nothing too exciting this time in London, I hung around the hotel and met the pilots for happy hour and then joined then for dinner at Ol Six Belles, a British restaurant that has been there since the 1600’s. I returned last night and finished moving everything. The fourth floor walk up provided quite a work out and the ninety-degree heat with ninety percent humidity melted off some of the international food I have been eating. The anal part of me was up at the crack of dawn to organize things and I am a bed away from having my side of the studio complete. I am super happy with the move and living in NYC was everything I expected it to be thus far.

playing catch up

My lack of blogging isn't due to the lack of stories, adventures, or want; it is due to the lack of time that has suddenly taken over my life. Finally at 0200 in Zurich, I am able to catch up without the phone ringing, without roommates asking me questions, without having to work, and without having to deal with anything other than my own thoughts. A Perrier, cup of soup, and peppermint tea beside me, allow me to fill you in on my adventures this month.

LGW

Eight hours strolling around London allowed me to see the tourist places of Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Westminster Abby, and several other buildings that seemed to be of historic relevance. I asked for directions to the Farris wheel I could see from St. James Park. I was quickly corrected after a giggle from a guard to its name of the London Eye. Even though I had no sleep, I continued on, map in hand to check out this great city. The sure fire way of getting to know a culture is to take a stroll through a supermarket or the post office. My journey to get stamps for the mandatory postcard to my mum provided the entertainment of the afternoon as a man defined the word postal as he screamed at the counter about something. The second entertainment came in the form of a guy at the DOT. I stopped in for directions to a non-touristy place to get some fish and chips. He in turn takes his lunch and not only walks me there, orders for me, places me at a table with another guy, takes off to get cash, returns, and buys my lunch. It was a bizarre situation, but hell, I will take free lunch any day!
This was my first trip to work our first class aisle, and I will promptly claim this as my favorite position to work. Second trip and I am already spoiled.

CDG

I was on call, but only for one day. Dragging my feet a bit on going to look at some places in the city by myself, I got a late start and something told me to stay close to home. Thirty minutes later the phone rang and they told me they were rolling my days off and sending me to Paris. I actually let out a little scream to the scheduler on how happy I was. Her response was she was sorry to use me but not many domestic reserves hold their French visas, to which I told her, I was one of those dorky domestic reserves that did. My crew was fantastic and we had so much fun together on the flights and the layover. I found out my friend, Justin was on the early Paris flight and I was instructed to find his room when I landed. The bus drive to the city was long but gorgeous as we drove by the classic sights of the city of lights. We got out of the bus and I heard my name..."did I hear that right?...I am in Paris with a French name...where is that coming from?" I look up and my friend is frantically waving out the window of the ninth floor. We spent the day walking around, climbing the Eiffel Tower, eating ice cream, and taking it all in. Drinks in the lobby with the pilots proceeded dinner with the crew followed by smoking the hookah pipe at a local bar. Hands down my favorite layover yet.

Pounding the Manhattan pavement once more looking for the perfect place. We found one and started the process of applying. That called for a drink after some dolling up at Bergdorf’s. We made calls to find out which one of our guys we could meet up with. Tom (Christina's sugar daddy) was the first to respond. We met him at the St. Regis for cocktails and then proceeded to Sparks for dinner. This was the day of the steam explosion in the city which sent thoughts of terroism to every ones mind. It was a little scary to see helicopters, streets closed, and people running around without an answer as to what happened. Dinner was amazing and the ratio of guys to girls was around 30:1. This place knew our date very well and we were seated immediately. A view of the Yankee game, tons of men, a nice glass of Pinot, and a fabulous steak...this is what I call living!! We were getting up to leave when our waiter told us that a Yankee pitcher (on the DL) was asking who we were but because of who we were with, the waiter didn’t want to say anything. We will return to Sparks for sure!! Our next stop was to pick up some Duke of something to take him to the strip club we decided to check out. It was a pretty classy joint as far as strip clubs go, but man did those girls smell money. Our evening didn't end until 0530; I went on call at 0500.

CDG

On call once more and I was assigned SNN. An hour later the phone rang again..."I promise I am up", it was the scheduler who was in a bind and wanted to know if she could switch my flight. I told her my mom was coming on the third day of the trip and the soonest she could get me back, the better. I had a choice of GVA, BRU, or CDG. I took the earliest arrival, which ended up being Paris. I proceeded to sleep the whole time, thank goodness, I was just there.

DUB

This was not a working trip; this was holiday with my mum. She arrived in NY as I was over the Atlantic. I had Britney go and pick her up from the airport and unfortunately talk Carol's ear off, as she tends to do. I made it home around 1300 and by 1730; I was back at the airport. Two first class tickets, please...luckily we were able to fly upfront so I drank a bottle of wine and crashed out. Our hotel was simply lovely and Dublin was such a great town. Friendly people, lots of good looking guys, and I am all in favor of a country in which you can drink a Guinness at any time of the day without judgment. A literary pub crawl (my favorite thing), a city bus tour, tour of the Guinness factory, the book of Kells, St. Patrick’s' cathedral, hanging out on O'Connell Street (our ancestor), a ghost bus tour in which I was the prop for how to exhume a body, a tour to Cork to kiss the Blarney Stone, and a cabaret show made up our five day journey. Good stuff.

ZRH

I had Saturday off and wandering around the house alone, packing, completely frustrated about not knowing if I have a place to live in three days. I decided to volunteer to go to work. I called up and offered my services clarifying that I didn't want to go to Texas, overseas please. I had the choice of where I wanted to go and quickly picked Zurich. It is so beautiful here; they actually stamped my passport, no waiting on the hotel van, gummy bears at the front desk, and a welcome drink. The hotel is gorgeous as is the city, which was a 20-minute train ride away. I walked around as much as possible but shops were closed due to it being Sunday and I didn't feel well so I am back after a nap enjoying my room and a spot of tea.

I am really digging this international business and know that this is what I was cut out for.... international first class flight attendant...yep that is me!!

trouser press

I am sitting in an internet cafe in the airport in London awaiting the chance to use my free ticket to the city. I had almost an hour to kill and choose to check out shops, grab a water, and while walking by the cafe, I spotted a gorgeous man using the computers so I am currently sitting three computers away sending out a vibe. He has noticed me yet. The flight over was smooth and I worked a wonderful potition with a great galley person. Before I knew it we were landing and jumping on a bus. I was super excited to add a stamp to my passport and was very upset to find out that we in fact bypass customs and go straight to our hotel. Boo-Hiss!!!! I want a stamp damn it! I am too excited to go sightseeing to sleep and no one else on the crew shares my enthusiasm so my free ticket and I are hitting the train, map in hand, and checking out all this British stuff. Our hotel is pretty nice and within walking distance which means we don't have to tip anyone for handling our luggage. The word on the street is that the crew lounge is the happening place to be, so that is where I will be tonight. There is one strange thing in the room, a trouser press. Carol would be proud of me for throwing my shorts in there and getting the wrinkles out. Okay, the hot guy left...my time is up here. Watch out London, here I come!!

london calling

I just picked up my first international trip! I am going to heading to LGW as the first class aisle gal. It is a great position as all you do is serve the food, take orders, etc. I am super excited to go London as I have never been and having this much heads up allows me to change my sleep schedule so I can check everything out. Yes, darling tomorrow I leave for jolly ol' England!!! (you have to image my best British accent!) Cherrio for now...god, I am dork.

life on call

The new life of an international flight attendant has only consisted of one trip thus far. I have been off work for almost three days as we made it home around 0430 in the morning Sunday. After clearing customs, riding the bus, driving home, and washing my face I was in bed by 0600. I expected a trip that evening but received no call. The past two days have been spent on call in the city with luggage in the car just in case. Christina and I have been apartment searching which is a work out to say the least in the classic summer heat of NYC. We were brave enough to go past 97th and into Harlem to look at a place which was great for the price but the fact that we felt a little sketchy walking during a weekday afternoon told our guts we wouldn’t be safe in the middle of the night. We took a break to grab a drink at Tao’ and who do we see but LL Cool J. Christina offered our table if he needed a place to sit and told me that her hand ricocheted off his gun of an arm. Today we went back in the city and found our ideal place in Chelsea. Now we are waiting to hear back from the company after we ran across the street and faxed our application. We are trying to bribe people with airline passes to make our dream of living in the city a reality. We had lunch in the neighborhood at a seafood restaurant filled with friendly people and came into conversation with a two time Grammy winner, Freddie Jackson. Tonight is all about watching the All-Star game and soaking up the air con.

07.07.07

Four years ago I wanted to be getting married on this day. Alas, I am sitting in Tel Aviv on a layover from my very first international flight. I stopped by Starbucks to get an ice latte (my new addiction) and a pilot asked me where I was off to, I replied off to airport alert and actually excited about it. He told me that I would be on his flight to TLV that night, I laughed at him until the phone rang in the crew room and I was off to the gate. I remember shaking when I was first told and even asking the scheduler if she was sure. "Holy F, I am going to TLV" I shouted on my way out the door. A nine and half hour flight with an hour and half nap. My excitement wore off in the seventh hour as we did our breakfast service and I realized this was just an over-extended PBI trip. We headed to the market on our arrival to check it out as it was closing at sundown for Shabbat (Jewish Sabbath). There is a peace about being here today when everyone rest. They have an elevator in the hotel that stops on every floor as they are not allowed to press buttons or open doors on Shabbat. There is no cooked food available in the hotel either. My new friend, Marie and I took a journey this morning to Jaffah to check out the ruins and history, I probably took fifty photos and soaked it all in as I doubt I will ever have the chance to return.
I am off to the pool to enjoy the sun as the waves crash against the shore from the Mediterrian, take a nap, and then get ready for the 11 hour flight back home.

the fourth

Why is it that although there is great things, days, moments in ones life, we still hang up on the bad? I just smile to think about the past five days of my life. I haven't had to work because of the transition to international, instead I have been partying in the hottest clubs in NY, hanging out with my heart-throb, hanging out with friends, attending a Yankees game (nothing more patriotic on the fourth in my book), attending a roof top party in the middle of Manhattan with a first rate view of the most amazing fireworks I have ever seen, and being given airport alert tonight which increases my chances of my first trip internationally being something amazing. Are these the thoughts I wake up to? Nope, I wake up to a phone call that my new renters are not happy because I don't have cable or a tea kettle. Who, under the age of 50, owns a tea kettle? I think of how I am going to solve this situation without asking my friends to do more than they already do for me. I think about the strange feeling of finality of my last phone call with the ex over the loft. I think about how I don't have anywhere to live next month has Christina and I gave our notice. I think about if I will ever see "my future husband" again and kick myself for having one glass too many of champange. I think of Fourth of Julys in the past, my family at the Elks club, hanging out on the boat, the waterfront, being with someone. Alright I am done mopping....time to locate a tea kettle...I just felt myself age.

class act

So this life of being an international flight already has the perks of extra days off with the transition and I have been filling them up quite fabulously. My LA friend is in town but I have yet to be able to meet up with him as he is producing a music video. I got all dolled up to meet up with him if he was able then I was going to meet Christina after her date. To kill the hours, I hung out in Chelsae at some restaurant then Bungalow 8 and then over to Marquee. It's easy to get into these clubs when alone and in a cute dress. When the call came to meet up with the date couple, I hopped in a cab and made my way to Buddha Bat, we stayed there for a bit and Christina took the liberty of cutting me off as I already showed her date my pink panties. Our next stop was the infamous Tenjune. There was no waiting this time, we cut in front of the whole damn line with this guy and spent the rest of the evening dancing. Cafeteria finished out our night as usual then we got in his car and when we stopped next we were at a hotel. This guy owns a couple in the city so he got me my own room. Needless to say I woke up on Park Avenue. Yah, a girl could get used to that!!
Christina in her chumminess managed to talk to the right person at Tenjune because she ended up getting us invited to....Deter Jeter's birthday party!!! Oh, yes, you read right! Yesterday was spent napping after making it home from the city and then getting prom-perfect ready. I wore my birthday dress, thought the occassion afforded it. We were not sure what to expect but it ended up to be amazing, very intimate around fourty or fifty people. He is so sweet and goooorrrrgeous!!! Red velvet cupcakes, a dj, very nice and low key. I drank champange because I was nervous and can't really remember everything we talked about for the hour I sat with him. I did give him a peck on the cheek when the party was over. Cafeteria was once again graced with our presence but this time I spent more time on the sidewalk outside puking. We ended up staying at the W last night because we were too drunk to make it home safely and on the way back to the path in the cab, my leg was in the window and Christina asked me if had on underwear on. I lifted up my dress to show her and while she shook her head in disbelief, I informed her I was a class act! Since we were still dressed up at one in afternoon on a Monday people asked us if we were movie stars, we said yes. But we did see a star on the way, Mr Big was crossing the street and laughed at the squeal that came from Christina. Yes, we are stars, at least in our minds!!

delay

I suppose I can look at this as training for going international; the fact that I am sitting here in the crew room waiting for my flight to depart at 0200. It was orginally scheduled for 2030 and we were the only flight in the whole airport that wasn't delayed due to weather. Instead it a maintaince delay which turned into our aircraft being taken away. I only have four hours sleep under my belt since our flight last night didn't arrive here until 0400. We sat on the tarmac last night in the humity for two and half hours. We did our best to accommidate everyone since the story of the passangers going irrate on the plane just came out on the news and the first person that asked me about their passanger rights got an earful from me. My day off was rolled so I could be sent to CMH, this is almost day six of working and I will have to admit, that I am tired.

jumpseat therapy

After three beers:
Obviousally I haven't been myself lately, I haven't posted, I haven't returned phone calls, I find myself in moments of sadness through out the day, just wandering off into space. I am on the second trip since my return back to Jersey after being on Oregon for two weeks. My roommate was actually surprised I came home. The only plausable reason I can give for coming back to Jersey is the fact that the one thing I have wanted in the past year has finally came to regonization, as of July second, I am an international flight attendant! I had to come back for the simple fact that I have put so much time in and to leave before knowing what it is like would be crazy.

Next Morning:
I am sad. It is not a feeling that I am used to. It has only been two weeks since I had to say goodbye to my father but it feels like an eternity. My emotions are not in tack, my heart aches to be filled with something other than sadness. I am grasping for things to fill the void, I look to the past, to those who knew and loved him as I did for comfort. I feel like I am wandering aimlessly down a path with no end point or clue where to turn. I drink too much, I cry in the shower, I get upset when I don’t get my way, I have isolated myself from those who love me and talk to strangers instead. My strong front is still there; no one would know how I feel when I am alone. But here I sit, alone in a hotel room staring at the storm clouds.

Seventeen hours in Tulsa is too long to be alone with my thoughts. I am attempting to get back in the swing of my East Coast life by working and going out in the city. Christina’s dad was in town last weekend and I was invited to join them for dinner at Tao`. Because Britney was not invited due to her “wet-blanket” status, I had to be sneaky about how we met up. I headed to the city a few hours after I dropped them off at the Path station and went and got my nails done. During the drive, it surprised me to see all of these cars painted with names and “congrast” honoring the graduation that was taking place the next day. Apparently it is a huge deal to graduate high school in Jersey. Good grief! I spent a few hours walking around the city before meeting them at the W. Dinner and drinks were fabulous and with our willing group we headed down to our favorite spots, the Penthouse at the Gansevoort (where we meet several Irish boys), One, Buddha Bar, PM, Cafeteria, and finally the Whiskey Bar. All and all a good night in the city. A whole day to myself at the old apartment preceded a four-day trip in which time seems to be standing still. My crew is great minus the sexist, asshole captain with way too much hair on his arms. My salvation has been the first class gal, with whom I have opened my heart up to and blabbed about the empty feeling in my heart and my need to fill it with comfort and familiarity. She listens with no judgment and offers sound advice. She is exactly what I need right now. Back on the “road” I go, sit time in IAH, then a late flight home. I am hoping to be released to my day off as my music producer from LA is in town! I do a little dance whenever I think about it!!

excerps

My first day back at work leaves me sitting airport alert. It is the perfect ease in to the flow that I so desperately need to get back into. My journey back was that of chaos as the flight I wanted to take home was full so I had to take another carrier and wound up at a different ariport. It wasn' that big of a deal but the trip that should have taken six hours took twelve and contained no sleep. The only way I could get home was to take a jumpseat and sleeping is not allowed. So, with the help of coffee and conversation I stayed up through a red-eye. I have never been so happy to see my base airport as the bus with rattling windows and lack of proper shocks pulled up after an hour drive. I slept majority of the day with the girl, who was very understanding of my absense and laid beside me.

Fifteen days in Oregon, they all seem like a blur. The day my father passed with full of things to get done, paperwork and thank you wise. We followed our list around town and I existed on coffee. We stopped and got our hair down as we were heading out to dinner with some neighbors and Janene, who graciously dropped everything to come and get me. I was just going to get a blow-out when I asked the stylist what he would do with my hair. After years of the same hairstyle, I let him cut it and it felt great to have the change. We actually found a real restaurnat in ol' Roseburg and headed out knowing we were going to drink our sorrows away. It got off to a slow start as we were not helped right away but in the matter of an hour we had the owner at our table and were on our second bottle of champange. We toasted to the long life of Ray and enjoyed our evening. Three bottles of champange, apps, and dessert made four ladies extremely giggly. We got home and decided it would be a great idea to dye my hair. You can call me red now!

Back to Portland in a haze, we pulled out of the drive way and I told Janene to stop the car. The orange juice that I just jugged didn't agree with me and up came mimosa puke. Thank goodness for the staple of hangover food McDonalds. The rest of the day was spent not being able to complete a sentence or carry a thought for more than a moment. The perfect person to be incoherant with was Didi and we spent happy hour over margaritas just chatting away.

The great thing about having guy friends is how they can wrap you in their arms and make you feel so secure. I am fortunate to have many guy friends and I lingered in each of their arms.

A bbq was thrown in my honor and it was great to have everyone attend and see the overwhelming love and support I have in my life. Plus whenever my friends get together we spend the whole time laughing and telling embarrassing stories.

Saturday, reality started to settle in. I sat on the couch all day beside heading down to Manzana for my favorite soup and four Bud Lites. I watched a movie and ignored every phone call while just stareing at the walls.. A good friend came over and just held me and allowed me to have the break down that I knew was coming but had been put off until I could be in someones arms.

Father's Day...calls were a plenty. I spent the day de-personalizing my loft as I am about to rent it. Each picture frame held a happy memory and every picture on my fridge was taken down with pause on remembering the moment. Graciously Janene offered up her father for the day and I spent my last night having dinner with her family.

I know that I am going to be okay. I am strong. I am the daughter of a strict but fair father. I am the center of a circle of friends who hold me up when I am unable to stand. I am best friends with my mom. I am loved.

blue dots

My mom has these tissues convientiantly placed every where around the house. They have come in hand for the obvious reasons and well as the allergies that are adding tormenant to my life right now. Everytime they get wet, these blue dots brighten up. I am unsure of why but I will admit that I look at my snot to see if it is green or clear and healthy every once in a while. Since the introduction of the blue dot klennex in my life (a week ago) everything into the tissue intrigues me as I am waiting for the dots to turn different colors.
Right now the dots don't mean a thing as my dad has passed.

birds

Every hour a different bird is chirping. It is really quite disturbing because not only is the damn clock annoying in every sense of the word, but it reminds us that another hour has gone by with no progress. Day six of my holdup in Roseburg and my dad is feistier than ever. We have given him enough drugs to tranquilize a horse and he is still fiddling about. I have also drugged my mom and put her to bed due to the lack of sleep she is experiencing so it just me and the caregiver hanging out. I am bummed because I feel like I am missing summer and I know this sounds terrible but I am ready to have my dad and family, for that matter at peace. My mom has me cutting up little cards and drawing things, gluing them to trees and I am at the point of delirium that it makes perfect sense to be doing such a thing. Every night I cook dinner and make something exotic (compared to life in NJ) because she has a clean kitchen and supplies to do it. Last night was the exception because I had dental work and my whole face was numb, all the way up to my eyeballs, so I am not making dinner if I can't enjoy it! The bird is about to chirp again so it my signal to move to a different room in the house and shake life up a bit.

rainy day

We are taught from a young age to desire instant gratification. It is re-inforced through out our daily lives in things like atm machines, drive throughs, etc. We want results and we want them now. It is something even more drilled into those of us who live in the New York area...now, now, now, we don't have the time to wait. Being pulled out of that enviroment and set into that of a slow town where the most exciting event of the whole week was the dentist has thrown me for a loop.
It is day four of my time here with the family and we are all waiting. The caregiver, the nurses who stop by, mom and myself. The pace of activity is set by my father. We he awakes we rush to his side asking him what he wants or needs but it is difficult to understand. So we do what we think may make him comfortable. The cycle of life is real, it is like the body returns to a state of reliabilty and need. The hardest part of all of this for me is watching a once strong man become week before my eyes. My go, go, go life has come to a slow and unsteady pace forcing me to do nothing but wait.

living in the haze we call june

The month of June thus far has felt like a fog. A thick fog around my head as I lay in bed unable to get up without exhausation. It was the first time I have been sick since starting this job and it was miserable to be so far away from home and not feel well. The good news was that I was sleeping so much during the muggy days of the NE while in a loft bed sweating out all the impurities as well as a few pounds to boot. My first sick call made me feel guilty but I got over it quickly as I spent my last day of "being sick" in the city. I met Lynne in the city that she and I share such a love for in time for a cocktail followed by dinner on Christopher Street at a delightful restaurant called Garage. Much to our surprise, a full jazz band played for our entertainment. Pomagrante martinis and the company of new friends, followed by dessert in the village was the recipe for a wonderful evening.

My first trip of the month took me to DCA then back and back to DCA followed the next day by a PBI turn. Alright we can do this...I checked in for my trip and still felt a bit off of my game. We were informed of a three and a half hour ground stop once we reached DCA. I went to turn on my phone to see if anyone sent me some love over the fourty minute flight. There it was, the message I had been preparing myself for for over a year now..."come home". I went into panic mode has I tried to figure out how I was going to get home to Oregon. I made the calls to the supervisors, told the captain, and with some doing made it on the plane the next morning.

I was greeted at my favorite airport by my favorite friend Janene. A stop for gas, snacks, and coffee and we were on our way to Roseburg. She was amazing with my family and exhibited strength and compassion that anyone would be lucky to witness let alone have it touch their lives.

Now it a waiting period. Waiting for the end of a good man's life. I am here for support but have yet to gain the strength I need to handle this situation. I am still in a haze of thoughts and activities. Nothing matters now other than being here.

news

We are trained to look for it everyday, through security, on the way to the gate, during boarding, and through out the flight. My first medical emergency was located in first class when people were up for the bathroom lead me to believe it was a diversionary tactic. It isn't until something big happens that it hits the public eye.
Yesterday I called in sick as I had spent the whole day in bed, the thought of 0430 airport alert made me even more exhausted. I awoke today at 1330 with the news of threats of the attacks. I am so glad that I am not working today seeing how the news is showing all the planes out on the runway with no where to go. I am relived not to be working today but a little bit of me is curious as to what is going on at the airport. But here I am safe at home with all the roomies watching the news intermittently during episodes of Sex in the City.

worth smiling about

The one that makes my heart leap at the very sight of text message, a relationship, if you will, that has gone on almost as long as I have lived here. Our fourth time seeing each other was initiated by him wanting me to join him for Memorial Day weekend in CT, however he didn’t tell me this until I was in LA in the middle of trip. Even if I faked sick, I would still be clear across the country. I instead made the effort to go and see him in the city on my day off. I knew that he had to get up super early and my time with him would be short but sweet non-the less. We talked on the phone all day and finally I was walking down 5th Ave when I called and told him I was in the city. He asked for twenty minutes to clean up his desk so I occupied myself with a glass of champagne at the St Regis. He called and asked to meet him at Tao’. I settled up my bill after listening to the regulars discuss their weekends in the Hamptons and charity benefit, it shouldn’t have shocked at the thirty dollar bill, however I gulped as I signed the receipt. Carefree from the champagne but butterflies from seeing him, I ran the five blocks. He managed to get a table in the lounge and there he was dressed in a pinstriped suit with a pink shirt, oh so handsome. We talked, flirted, held hands, and ate dinner. He told me that I made him nervous. I must really have my act together around him?! An early night ended in a fantastic kiss as his car dropped me off at the Path. Two days later and I am still smiling.

uno, dos, tres...

Five days, four nights, three gals, too many beers, and one goal: Fun in the sun. What I live for in this job is my week vacation I take once a month. This month’s destination was Puerto Vallarta with my gal pals, Nichole and Janene. After barely making the flight to IAH, I had to check my bag, which left me with my uniform on exiting the plane into the Mexican sun. I changed quickly into my swimsuit as soon as we reached our all-inclusive resort and had a beer in my hand in record time. A day of lounging by the pool followed by a siesta set the tone for the rest of the week. We did mix it up a bit in the evening by heading into town. The first evening we pretending it was Janene’s birthday while we dined at Pipi’s, we served as the whole restaurants entertainment. We met up with some LA folks and hit a couple of bars with them until we held up the white flag and passed out in our beds. The key to a good holiday is a swim up bar, we took full advantage of it and the waiter that was around every five minutes. Water aerobics in Spanish set the background for our sunning, “uno-dos-tres” as arms flailed about. The next night was spent at Senor Frogs playing name that tune (three beer winner here), taking jello shots, and dancing in foam. If you have never been to a foam party, I highly recommend it simply for the weird feeling of dancing in bubbles up to your waist. And what is the best way to clean off from a foam party? Why skinny-dipping of course. Our third night was spent watching Dirty Dancing with Spanish subtitles and ordering in pizza. Our final evening included two couples from AZ who joined us back at Pipi’s and then Carlos O’Brien’s. Once again we played name that tune but they would only allow one beer per person so I had to give the answers to someone else. I was chosen, however, to participate in the beer chugging contest, which I won in time, but they counted the teaspoon of foam left against me. Damn it that would have been a title I would have been proud to have!!!

Well back to reality as I am in the middle of a fantastic trip, picked up by Carol, that allows me to spend two nights in LAX. It is a very productive trip that takes me from home-LAX-IAH-LAX-home. The rest of my original crew is enjoying a 42-hour layover while I have to work today. I am standing in position while the safety demo plays, spacing off when I hear, “excuse me”, I turn to answer the woman’s question. “Can I have a pillow?” I look down and see a pillow in the empty seat next to her, “there is a pillow next to you” I reply. “I know, it has been used.” “Here’s a little secret, they have all been used, sista!” Still I went and got her another pillow that she proceeded to sniff for the remainder of the demo. Takes all kinds, I tell ya. Yesterday we had Connie Chung on our flight and she was super nice and has gorgeous handwriting as she spent the flight filling out thank yous. I am waiting to see if there are any more celebs on my flights this weekend. Maybe Jude or George will be going back to NY and realize how much they need me in their lives. Here’s hoping!

stop thinking...and let life take over

Aries
It is possible that the last few weeks have allowed you to become a little bit clearer concerning certain questions you have about your vocation, dear Aries. You may even be a little clearer about your feelings in regard to what you think your destiny is. It would now be better for you to stop thinking about such things and let life take over for you. Ariess are well armed for this kind of thing!

Down here in FLL and I can tell you the past two days of this trip haven't been pleasant. I am blessed with a fun crew who have banded together to get through the headache. The gorgeous storm which darken the skies caused havok at the old airport as hundred of people sat around awaiting their flight. We were among them as our plane was diverted thus making us four hours late getting to our destination. I hid in the back galley, grateful for my position on this trip while people mumbled how the weather was our fault and blah, blah, blah. The load on the flight last night was a total bitch and almost ending up throwing down with our lead who requested that she refrained from reading a magazine in the aisle during boarding. Needless to say we had her back and made the loads life miserable for the trip...don't mess with one of the pack... after three FL flights we are tight!
Not sure what is on tap for the weekend. A part of me hopes I don't get used as I would like to go and play in the city. Got a new boy on the line, he will be dubbed dance partner, as we meet way back in September while Dave May was in town and this guy and I danced all night. I recently found his business card and today gave him a ring. Spring is definatly in the air!!

chuckle

The jingle of the ice cream truck fills my ears and signals the start of a hot, sticky summer in New York. It is still in the spring phase for now and it is the perfect time to meet for date, drive with the top down, and dine outdoors. He was in a new red Mercedes convertiable this time and we made our way through town to the MPD we we sat outside and ate antipasta while watching all the limos, Bentleys, and nice cars drive past. Something good was shaken in the neighborhood. The table behind us was talking about ribs, and I told my date it had been a long time since I had ribs. We quickly paid our bill and headed to Houstons for what I can describe as one of the best plates of ribs I have ever had. A quick call to my madre informed me of a crappy three day to FL with a late check-in, perfect! C and one of her frinds meet us out for a drink and we bar hopped all over. We wrapped up the night at our fav spot, Cafeteria and then headed home. Her car was parked in Hoboken and when we got off the train, a cop pulled up. We thought we were in trouble and looked at each other wondering what we had done. Turns out nothing, he just wanted to make sure we got to our car alright and if that wasn't enough, he then gave each of us his number. This gave us a chuckle the whole way home. Where I come from, cops aren't allowed to hit on people, what a strange place I live in.

sucks

26 people, many of which don't even have their transfer in, is what stood between me and getting into international this month. Needless to say, I am not a happy camper what-so-ever.

twenty-seven hours

Talk about a trip from hell...ironically it involved SLC.
For my last day off of the week, I decided to spend the warm spring day enjoying one of my favorite things in life, baseball. The Yankees were playing an afternoon game so I made my way out to the Bronx, grabbed a dog and beer, and sat sixty feet from first base. Four beers later I headed back to the city and made some phone calls; dinner plans didn't pan out so I decided to go home. It was a wise decision as a trip was dropped into my line. I had to look at it several times to grasp what they expected from me. Check in was 0430, the trip went to IAH, one hour sit, then onto SLC, where we stayed for nine hours before getting up and doing the red-eye home. I was gone for 27 hours from door to door, worked a seventeen hour day with twelve of it directly in the air. I am exhausted to say the least. It would have been a little more manageable if I would have had some one I wanted to talk to but the pilots were not too friendly, the first class girl was brand new and didn't have a mind of her own so she repeated what anyone else said, and the lead...well she was a few cards short of deck. The kicker was when one of our engines won't start and I thought I would be stuck with these people in the land of no caffenine even longer.

village date

It is my goal this week not to have to pay for dinner. I am doing pretty well so far as I was pretty girl extra Sunday, had a date with mobboss Monday (we watched the game at ESPN zone), and last night had dinner with jamguy. I met Jamguy on the way to PDX via LAS and was finally able to meet up with him last night. We arranged to meet at Starbucks on Sixth and then we hopped into a cab and headed over to a quaint cafe in St. Marks square called Cafe Mogador. The food was middle eastern meditarrian and we shared a bunch of appeitizers including cumber yogurt and eggplant purree. Then we headed to a place that was thtow back from the opening scene in the second Indiana Jones movie, very cool Asian place which served killer cocktails. To end our evening we then headed to the otherroom on Perry which, I am proud to say, offer Sierra Nevada on tap. It was a great beer and wine bar and everyone there, besides us, was making out. He rang the company car to come and get us and then take us home, he only gave me a peck on the cheek but it seemed to fit his personality as I the more outgoing one between us. Will I see him again, yes he knows great speakeasy places. Am I in love, not really. But what the hell, a girl's gotta eat!!

pygmalian

A random Sunday evening and the trouble seekers of the house have nothing to do. So we decided to get dolled up and head into the city. No setforth plans, just going to see what the night brings. I made a call to mobboss but he didn't seem interested in going out so we tried C's guy. He was in town and invited us to dinner with his clients at some fancy Chinesse place. Basically we were the pretty faces at dinner but I ended up getting along great with the client and his girlfriend. A random model showed up for a shirley temple and four bites of food and then left. I soaked in the scence and thought about the random stuff we tend to find ourselves apart of. We convienced the group to go out to the MPD and party with us, we ended up being driven in some random Mercedes to Club One. We soaked up the scene but wanted to move on. However, there was nothing else open so after the limo drivers fought over us, we picked one and he took us to la Souk (what we thought was the animal hostipal prior). This club hard to get into by reputation, however since C was out to meet her pygmalian as her horoscope predicted she would, the owner came and escorted us inside telling the bar anything we wanted was ours. It was an interesting club that we just seemed to walk around over and over again without stopping for more than a second to mingle. After C ended up losing her purse and I had to recover it, I drug her to Cafeteria for some soup. The sun was rising as we made our way home on the train that seemed to take years to drop us off.

vegatarian

I arose to 9th Street West in my pink coat looking for my date for the evening. I saw what I thought was him in a black Mercedes convertible, but it was not the white one I remembered from the other night, so I called to see if he picked up the phone while I peeked around the corner. I climbed into the car and soaked up the sun as the wind brushed my cheek and the sun poured down upon as we drove around the village with the top down. I told him he had to pick a place in which my dress would fit in, he choose the BlueWater Grill and we dined outside, at Carrie and Miranda’s table over looking Union Square. It was a very nice evening. This evening however is being spent in Tulsa, Oklahoma watching the storm clouds pass. My crew is kind of strange with the lead that is from somewhere in the south and a little off her rocker, the captain who is the definition of a nerd, who is infatuated with my classmate and myself. The saving grace is my jumpseat time with the classmate.

This day took us to BWI not too exciting of a place but it did take a while to get there. I was up front with my 12 passanger offering lunch options of shrimp salad or a steak sandwich, by the time I reached the back row all the steak sandwiches were already claimed. This is was explained to the couple who seemed disappointed and only the wife placed her order. While handing out drinks and mixed nuts, I asked the husband if he was sure he didn't want a salad or perhaps a sandwich from the back. (Mind you, I don't hear very well) He started pointing at his cheek and saying he would be okay and what I heard was that we wanted a kiss. I gave his wife a puzzled look and then when in for peck on the cheek. It must have startled him because he pulled away and asked what I was doing. Finally I heard correctly, that he had a dip. He asked if I was trying to give him a heart attack. Luckily we all found humor in the situation and they asked for a comment card. "You are not going to tell that I tried to kiss you, are?" They chuckled and say no, just wanted to tell someone how I made their trip.

YYC...we arrived and mapped out our evening. Although I was invited to a comedy show from the comic in first class, it seemed almost impossible to make our way to the other side of town. Instead we got the van driver to give us a ride to the mall and then we asked younger people where the hot stops were. We convinced the driver to take us back to the hotel, wait for us to change, and drop us by the train. After a stop at the 7/11 for road soda, we boarded the train and set out for the city. We had to ask for more directions and ended up a places other than our destination because we couldn't figure out the damn streets. We walked by a place called Tantra which looked intriguing so we flirted with the doorman to bypass the cover and went in. Great scene and we took it in will sipping martinis from the corner booth. We stayed there until a drunk guy kept talking to us and told us about the bar down the road that won't let him in because he wasn't tall, dark, and handsome. Sounds like our kind of place so walked over to Whiskey and sure enough, it was poppin'. We called it an evening around 0200 and got a cab home. Our drinks fueled the conversation of what is it all about and if we would find our way in life soon. The cabbie, obviously listening the whole time, told us he had figured out life because he found out that Jesus was a vegatarian.

beth and lynn together again

Watch out people! The duo with alternative personalities that come out with booze are on a trip together once again. We are missing the catalyst of our lead but we are ready to take these cities by storm. It is the first time I have been able to pick up a trip since March. The next five days will be spent on the road to TUL, BWI, and YYC. Unfortunatly the O's are not in town to pick up a game and I don't have a clue what is shakin' in Oklahoma but in Canada we are assured to have a good time with a 22 hour layover. Stories are sure to follow...

back to work

I will step foot on a plane as an employee for the first time in two weeks tomorrow. I tried to lay low by requesting minimum to fly and picking up airport alert today. However, my plan did not succeed as I was ringed during the movie to work tomorrow. A double turn is my fate visiting both BDA and DCA tomorrow. Reality comes alive again tomorrow, working, going places, and seeing the world. I have grown accustomed to not working and only socializing and partying but my time has come to go back to work. I have placed a call to the guy I met on the way to LAS letting him know I have his Marionberry jam and I have dinner plans with the mobboss (as we have dubbed him) Tuesday evening. In the sole interest of making my blog entertaining, I set forth upon my week.

oh what a nite

Cries from George awoke me while the flash of lighting hitting the street below lit up the room. My first thought, I hope they don't cancel the game today. The rain subsided by the time I crawled out of bed. My partner and crime and I got ready for our day in the city. Our first stop was the 9th street pathstation, up to Starbucks for a triple latte and to map out our day. Pastis, the place where celebs like to lunch welcomed us and gave us not only a great table, but a fantastic lunch. A short walk to the subway and a couple trains later we made a pack to not pay for our first drink at Stans. As we swapped trains at 145th the amount of Yankee fans tripled, feeling out of place, I quickly swapped my shirt and put on my hat. This captured the attention of two guys standing in front of us so we got to talking to them. They were headed to Stans and were sitting near us as well so we acquired our drinking partners for the evening. We had the luck of getting a table (unheard of) and in the short hour before the game downed two beers and two shots. The roar of Yankee Stadium is a feeling like any other, especially during a Red Sox game. We made it to our seats ordered a beer and crackerjacks and watched the game unfold. The only inning of pure excitement was the fourth when the Yankees pulled out in fron, unfortunatly we lost the game and it was too painful to watch. We met up with our guys once more and went in search for more beer. After haning out in the Bronx for a bit, we changed back and headed into the city. The MPD was calling our name, unfotunatly the guys were not dressed to get in so we said our goodbyes and smiled at the bouncer of Buddha Bar. He lifted the rope and then introduced us to a guy who wanted us to meet his friend. We were escorted to a large table filled with guys and we were introduced to a guy in his late fourties. We were asked to join them and our drink order was quickly taken. A few moments later the table was filled with girls, a few moments after that a magnium of champange was a the table. The head hancho asked if I would join him outside for some air, we ended up talking and hanging out for a bit and then going to another club. C and I got into his car which was parked in front of the club (mind you there is no parking in MPD) and then drove around a couple of blocks with the top down on this beautiful Mercedes with everyone staring at us. We pulled up a the other club and once again parked in front of Aer. No waiting, we walked right in and could have had anything we asked for. In fact, the bathroom attendant got fired because she was so mean to us. We danced for a bit and headed over the the Penthouse, we rounded out our evening at Pop Burger with his boys and then were sent home in a cab. It sure didn't take long to get back into the swing of the old city.

bow

I have willed the sunshine to come out every day I have been home, even if it breaks through the clouds momentarly; this place is breath taking with the suns rays. I look around during my walks here and there at the green trees, the parks, the clean sidewalks and know this is where my heart calls home. My visit has been very emotional but sucessful in seeing everyone I care about, sharing great conversations, a few drinks, some good stories, and coffee. I just finished having lunch with my dear friend, Teresae who put the bow on the week. I feel very settled about this visit although one thing I was hoping for did not occur, it was probably in the best interest of my fragile (I will deny I said this) heart. My bag is still to be packed and it was with great hesitation that I woke up this morning ready to leave however now I have been given ten extra hours and it feels like the perfect amount of time. I am ready for my summer in NYC, I am ready to see the world...I just hope they are ready for me!

change

Change is inevitable, I am usually an advocate for it for growth and maturity reasons but when it comes to points in my life when I am happy I want the world to freeze and allow me to live happily ever after. This idea is of course far-fetched and unreachable unless, as dictated by movies and fairy tales, you find your soul mate. The idea of a soul mate has always been presented in a human form, most traditionally a mate, one who makes your world complete simply with their being. It is predicted that once you find this person everything else will fall into place. Here is what I propose, what if our soul mates consist of the perfect house, neighborhood, career, or group of friends? This would defiantly free up the emotional entanglement that so often comes with seeking the perfect mate. There was a point in time, two summers ago to be exact, where my world could have froze and I would have been blissfully happy. I suppose that this the feeling that I seek each time I return home. I feel as though I can touch it this time but am unable to wrap my arms around it all and embrace it, even if it is only for a couple of days. But if I am able to do get this in my grasp, then what? Will I be able to just walk away from it and head back to New York? I firmly believe that things happen and don’t happen for reasons unexplained at the time. That is my mind speaking, but my heart just doesn’t get the concept.

nada

I am not sure what kind of reception I expect when coming home but I always find myself alone in my fantastic loft feeling a bit lonely and let down. I can’t really explain the phenomenon since everyone I know is visibly and communicably excited to see me. I built up anxiousness on this trip due to the seeing the ex in person factor and am a little relieved although let down to not have seen him yet. I was a bit deviant in my arrival to town, as I didn’t tell anyone the day ort time hoping to find out what happened in my house while I was thought to be 3000 miles away. The answer that came after a heart-pounding walk from the elevator to the key releasing the deadbolt was nothing. My house is immaculate; the only sign of the finance is a corny Valentines Day card.

I have decided to spend my expanded time here in PDX seeing the people I want to see, asking for things I want, and soaking up as much of the things I love about Oregon to last me another three months in the Northeast. A conversation with Jeff resurfaced last night about where my heart belongs. Am I a New Yorker or am I an Oregonian? The choice was unclear six months ago, but now it is becoming more obvious...

difficult request

I have been asked to let my dad know it was okay with me if he passes. How am I supposed to do such a thing? Granted it is difficult to see him suffer to watch what was the strongest man in my life now become week and reliant. It is difficult to watch the burden (only for lack of better terms) he is on my mother. Losing a parent at the age of 30 is something I am ready to physically deal with as the road to this day has been long and expected over the past two years, however I was not ready to verbally tell my dad anything other than the fact that I love him. I believe people hang on to life until they have closure with people or are able to say goodbye. I was hoping with my visit the permission would be implied. The weight on my heart has been lifted slightly through this visit and I am happy to say that I was able to say goodbye while he still remembered me, I was able to say goodbye in my own way that I have an hour to figure out how. I am happy to say that I was able to do one of my favorite things with my dad during this visit, watch a baseball game. Sadly, I am now the one who yells at the TV.

My goodbye was not verbal; I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Instead, I sat on my dad’s lap, held his hand, and talked. He finally asked me to get up as his frail leg was falling asleep. I hugged and kissed him goodbye.

blackout

The rain was coming down with such volience that it rebounded a foot after hitting the ground. The day had grown dark and I was relieved to be on the bus back to my car after a long day at work. Wilma took her time guiding the large vehicle safely to the lot. Stop number two was mine and I hopped off the bus and walked to my car to be greeted by a pool of water, it covered my ankles atop my high heels. I had no choice in my path and I walked through the cold water to reach my car. The windshield wipers did there best to clear my vision although it seemed as though the battle would soon be lost. I proceeded the usual way home, cutting through the Ironbound, a car pulled out in front of me, I honked then I looked at the road in front of me, there was a pool of water but it was so dark, I could not judge the depth. I proceeded and then saw cars stuck, I stopped, prayed, and slammed the car in reverse so I would not become a victim as well. I u-turned and proceeded back the high way where traffic moved slowly. I took the exit for the 21 and followed the cars, the exit I needed was closed due to flooding so I proceeded into downtown Newark. I thought I could figure out where to go, even though I had only been on that road riding a bus, I had no choice, I needed to get home. I turned down a familar street only to be greeted by darkness. The storm had cut the power to the lights and the surroundings. Panic set in and I turned to go in the direction of home but that had become a jumble in my mind when all I could think was this was the murder capital of America and I am driving through it at night, in uniform, with Oregon plates. Turn after turn got me no where familar and finally I looked for a police officer because I was not getting out of my car to ask for directions in my uniform. I found one, already with someone in the back and I pleaded with her to show me the way home. Her directions got me out of the getto but onto some other street parrelling MLK Blvd, which I know that you shouldn't go down in any city at any time of the day. I called my friend who lives here, unfortunatly one I hadn't talked to in a while, and asked him to guide me home. That he did and twenty minutes, now dry feet, and emotional exhausted I was never so happy to see this crumpy apartment.

dislikes

Things I dislike/boarderline loathe about Jersey

The horrilble smell
The asshole people
The obstacle course known as driving
Fur collared jackets
The filthy streets
The drivers, if you can call them that
The lack of healthy anything, food, gyms...
The short men that think they are alll that
My dirty aparrment
My roommate that is always here and thinks "Jersey's great"
The lack of Starbucks
The lack of my friends
The absense of manners
Walking to wash my clothes
The fact that I am so far away from home
The way I am feeling right now

friday the 13th

My bad luck today came in the form of a PBI turn at the butt-crack of dawn. I drove to the aiport in the dark mentally having myself already back in the car driving home. I was the lead, which I haven't been in months and it took a little bit to remember what the hell I was supposed to say. The boarding process was a nightmare and of course the passangers were as well. It took forever for the two of us to serve 148 people muffins and drinks and then we proceeded to hide back in the galley. The gorgeous FA and I hung out and looked at pictures and chatted while staying out the aisle. The flight home was just as bad with tons of specials: 6 ums, 5 maas, 4 whclrs, 2 jumpseaters, and 1 blind guy. The blind guy, David was very nice as I escorted him to his seat and told him to let me know if he needed anything. He seemed to know everytime I passed, because he would ask me for something. One time in passing he asked me if the people sitting next to him were from Isreal. I told him that I didn't know, and asked if that is what they told him. He replied yes, and then I said they probably don't have any reason to lie to you. Then he ask me (he is really loud) if I knew anything about Isreal...hum, no...have I ever been there?....again, no. I told him, I am sure these people would answer any questions you may have. Keep in mind majority of the plane is Jewish as he his yelling okay and my name. We ducked away in the back galley once more, this time after turkey sandwiches and prayed for a fast landing. Thank God that is over.

view

My excitement this morning consist of watching the house behind ours being tourn down as the rain is pouring down and making me even more homesick. The good thing about this destruction is that I am being kept occupied and now we will have a view of the city in the absence of this home. My tasks for the day is to mail off thank yous, do a bit of laundry, pick up a trip, and be lazy for the rest of the day. According to Christina, due to my actions last night, I get a week break from doing something that scares me everyday.
The drunk dial apparently made its point to 19C as he phoned the other night while I was in AUS. He called to ask me if I was going to be working his flight home from STL. Unfortunately I was not, however I did find out enough information to talk myself into getting all dolled up and meeting his flight. I stood there, outside the gate waiting for him to deplane. The reaction on his face was exactly what I was hoping for, total happy surprise. He rushed to me to hug and kiss me hello and we spent the little time we had together talking and clearly into each other. He got his driver to give me a ride back to my car and then he kissed me goodnight, reiterating what a great surprise I was at the end of a long day. Was all that effort of getting ready and going all the way to the airport to see him worth it? Absolutely!

no-brainer

Some things are no-brainers, laying low when you are the only white girl on the bus, not getting engaged after three months of dating, and not proclaiming your love for the Yankees while your in Beantown. I picked up a trip off airport alert yesterday and was delighted with the 0800 check-in. So delighted that C and I headed into the city to have dinner with "Big Daddy". I was texting him how much I missed my mom's annual ham dinner, and he invited red dress and I to the city for Easter dinner. Well, as you may have guessed, dinner (a big fat steak at Ben and Jacks)turned into drinks at Asia de Cuba (I have befriended the manager) to drinks at the W ("our W") at which point I drunk dialed 19C, to the G Spa to dancing at One. We didn't make it back home until 0330 and I played chauffer to the singing duet of my roomie and an ex-Yankee player. They sang to each other the whole drive home. The 0600 wake up call came too early but sat me out on a pretty easy trip that takes me to BOS tonight and AUS tomorrow evening. After a four hour nap, I made my way down the hotel restuarant for dinner and a beer. A classic Sox game was on due the day of rest and I felt it sacreligous to dare ask them to change the chanel to the Yankee game. Finally they did and I quietly routed on my team.

spades

"When the door of happiness closes, another opens;
but often times we look so long at the
closed door that we don't see the one,
which has been opened for us."

I don't usally pay much mind to my mom's forwards but I read this one during my first time alone since the "exciting news". I was struggling to figure out where I stood in my emotions and kept going back and forth with letting go. I took some advice from long ago when my heart was heavy and decided to just put it out into the universe. I made the call from SAT and emptied my thoughts into the receiver. At the end of twenty minutes I was able to close the door.

This trip was hectic to say the least with ground holds, holding patterns, plane swaps due to a cracked windshield, late arrivals, and weather. Our last leg home was scheduled for four hours block (gate to gate) however it end up to be almost six and a half. The crew got to the gate on time to sit and wait for the plane, I was scoping out the crowd, as I always do, and noticed a cute guy in a Red Sox shirt. He was one of the last to board and I held him up so the goody-goody flight attendant could get back up the aisle and so I could chat with him. He sat in 6C which was perfect for the eye contact and smiling through out the flight. My section was easy without much need of service and I was bored out my mind. I recoginized the one of my passangers was bored as well. I asked him if he wanted to play cards and he almosted shouted yes; so I grabbed my deck of pink cards, an atlas carrier to sit on, and sat down in the aisle. I taught him to play spades and ended up with a chuckle from everyone around; even 6C looked down to see what I was doing. He caught my attention and asked to use my lav up front, I am usually a natzi about it, but for him, I made the exception. He asked what I was playing, I told him spades and asked if he would like me to come and play with him. He was said yes. I quickly rapped up my game with the Brit and took my atlas carrier back to the sixth row. His name was Ryan and the next hour was spent flirting and getting to know each other. I had to cut it short because we were going into initial decent. He beat me only because I taught him about the blind bid. I wrapped up my business upfront and wrote my number on a napkin. In flowing Christina's advice of doing something everyday that scares you, I balls up and headed back towards my jumpseat. I walked passed him and said, "It is presumputious of me to think you may want this, but I would really love to see you again." He said thank you with an adorable smile and I walked as fast as I could to safety. I ran into him after we deplaned and he thanked me for my number and told me he was going to use it. Apparently the guy next to him gave him props for scoring my number.
Look at that, an open door...

mfe

I am rounding out the cities we fly to in Texas by over-nighting in the end of the earth, McAllen. I picked this trip up simply to work, it was not my first or second choice but it allowed me to work first class and not be at the mercy of scheduling. The check was later than I was used to so I took the morning to run errands and pack. This proved for a very long day, as we didn’t get here until midnight. A perk about being a stone throw away from Mexico is the free breakfast buffet. I scheduled my wake up call in order to check it out. The elevator door opened and the noise of Spanish filled my ears, I walked into the dining room and it seemed like they were handing out green cards because of the sheer volume of people eating the free food. There was no lines or order to the situation so I grabbed what I could and made my way out the lobby to eat. Sometimes free is not worth the chaos.
Today will be another long day as we go back to IAH then to MSY and back and then onto SAT. It seems like I am there every couple of weeks or so. I call this trip, the tour of Texas. I do, however have a crew that will not get me in trouble this trip do to the fact that I tower over each of them and one of them is so new, so sheltered that she doesn’t know what the hell is going on. She is so afraid she is going to get in trouble if she is not by the book. It’s funny but I can foresee it getting on my nerves soon. Last night she was bending over looking between the plane and the jet way. I asked her what the hell she was doing and she replied, “I was looking to see if the squiggly line was going around on the propeller”. What?! I explained to her that the engines needed to be off while we were parked at the gate. A part of me wishes we had a great layover because I would take her out, spike her drink, and show her a good time. She has lived her parents until she was 28, twenty-eight can you imagine?

chicago (the band not the city)

They say alcohol is a depressant; certainly not at the time of intake or the hours after when I find it necessary to dance and flash people. No, it is the morning after when you have to get up and go back to work with cabin pressure making your head pound. I believe my reaction would have been the same even if I was not hungover or on my period. I returned the call from the ex to confirm my suspision that he was dating someone, but the news that sunk my heart was the impending engagement. I held back the tears on the phone and asked the polite questions so he won't know my sadness. You know the tough front I always need to have up. He is not the one although I did have him as my comfortable fall back. That is now gone and I feel selfish in the fact that it should be me with the "exciting news" that I have found someone. I have thought about my past relationships and it seems like I am the one who makes my partner a better man for the next girl. I have dubbed it relationship rehab. This is what I explain to my mom through a flood of tears and her reply was perfect, "someone is fixing up your guy right now".

Chicago will be in my cd player for a while...

fl-co-fl

You would think I turned 21 instead of 30 last week the way I have been carrying on. I picked up a trip with a guy I had flown with previously and knew it would be trouble because a. he likes to drink and b. he kissed me in the galley last time. However I still picked it up. My classmate was the addition to the crew that would greatly enjoy the weekend. We started off with a Boston turn and then headed to Tampa. A quick nap preceded our evening at the Blue Martini. The band was great, the cocktail waitress’ gorgeous, and the drinks went down a little too smooth. It was just three of us the first night but the following evening we recruited the classmate for our adventure in Colorado. A twenty-four hour layover in Montrose could be considered boring due the quietness of the town, it actually reminded me of Klamath. The 25-year-old first officer instead rented a car, the cobalt, and took us on up to Telluride. The drive was spectacular with the snow kissing the ground and the mountains carved out of red rocks. Drinks and the jukebox followed dinner. A few bar hops later and I determined it would be a good idea to join in on the boobs up against the steamed glass window fun. I left my mark, literally on Telluride. The car ride home was me passed out and sinking lower and lower by the minute. Thank goodness for the late check in and ride to the airport from Fox, whom everyone in town seemed to know. The flight from MTJ, not Montego Bay Jamaica as our captain pack for, to EWR was a nightmare! All these rich assholes and their brat children. I have a strong belief that children should not be allowed to sit in first class. Only rich, good-looking businessmen please! The next leg landed us in SYR, which is a great place to be right after Florida made it to the NCAA championship game that night. I however, am not rooting for them since they beat my Ducks and I proceeded to tell everyone that. We got to the hotel at 2300 and it took some convincing to get me out but finally I said what the hell. This time we were able to recruit our captain and two other pilots from Express. The security guard gave us a ride downtown to Gators and within moments a cosmo was in my hand. Shots followed along with dancing and singing Sweet Caroline at the top of our lungs when the security guard came and picked us up around 0130. The night manager was nice enough to make us cookies and I am sure got a kick out of the drunken chaos we were. Day four was brutal with three legs, ground delays in DTW, and holding patterns. I didn’t make it home until 2200 and am sad to only have one day off before I do it all again.

thirty is the new twenty only with a tougher hangover

It has been eleven days since I last worked, and I sit here this morning fresh off probaation, at airport alert. It feels like I have been away a month. On the bus ride to the airport, I watched as planes climbed off the tarmac and remembered how much I love being in them as the climb and go off to new destinations. Much has happened in the past week, friends arrived, my birthday, and days of recovery.
I wish we had a camera crew follow the birthday group around all weekend because a mini serious could have been easily compulated. I will prepare to do the weekend justice in my re-account of it. Thursday mornng the early arrivers and I set off for the city. The car was packed with bags and giggling girls as we made our way to the Lincoln Tunnel. The valet welcomed us with humor and the front desk welcomed me with presents and generous hospitality. Up the fourty-seventh floor we went and met our good friend, Dave May. The other girls went off sightseeing while I enjoyed the company of my friend and the beautiful flowers he had sent up. We agreed to meet at the hotel bar for happy hour and then plan our evening. We had a few drinks and then a hankering for sushi, we set off to Tao' but they had a private party so we only had time for one drink. Instead we hailed a towncar on Park, where Richard, the driver, took us down to Union Square to try Japonais. The food and the company were outstanding and put us in prime form to continue our night at the Underbar. The married couple returned from the Knicks game to meet up with us in our private room, and right before we moved on Janene joined us as well. We pilled into a limo and went to the MPD, without much luck of getting a group in. We ended up at One with our own table and me constantly looking for celebs. This was one of our earlier nights as we got in around three with the addition of Hilary.

Friday was the big day. We slept in for a bit and then spilt off to get ready in our own way. I headed off to get my hair done with my girls and stopped for a hot dog in the rain. Back to the hotel just as they were calling to let us know our suite was ready and Christina and I went and enjoyed the serenity of watching the mad city below before the rest of the party arrived. Everyone got ready in their own time and sat around listening to music, eating cheese, and drinking wine. There was a knock at the door and much to my surprise a tray with two bottles of champange, chocolate covered strawberries, and a slice of birthday cake with a candle. It was a gift from Lynne, such a sweetheart!!! I made my wish thinking I had another one coming later on that night. It was almost time to leave so I shewed everyone out of the room so I could make a grand entrance. My outfit was perfect and I felt like celeb. I opened my wonderful presents from everyone and then we were off to dinner. Chris arranged a limo that took us to Lotus, the ride was so much fun and it felt like we were going to prom with everyone dressed up. Dave and Chris had seven girls as their dates. Our table was in the back set up with name cards, and a personalized menu wishing me happy birthday and outliniing our eight course meal. The food came in individual take out boxes served with chopsticks. and let me tell you, that was damn good food!!! Champange and drinks accompanied our good time and everyone asked who we were. One of my favorite moemnts of the evening was when Nene fell out of her chair from laughing too hard and Nichole's response was,"is the chair okay?'. I could not have been happier than I was during those two hours. As previously planned, my birthday cake arrived. I ordered a black and white cake from Ferarras and mailed 30 candels. The cake only had ten, the cake was white, the cake said, "Happy Birthday Gerlane"...I begged people to stop singing as it was not my cake. I was asked to blow out the candels but I thought it would be bad luck to blow out someone else's candels. My cake was not there. Oh, well, we were stuffed anyway!! We headed upstairs to our own table where Chris and Nichole generously ordered a huge bottles of champange and we danced, danced, danced the evening away. It was the perfect night filled with laugher and lots of boobs. The pictures are priceless. The few hardcore partiers, myself included, moved on to other clubs looking for more to do, but everything failed in comparison to our party. We made it home around 0500. The doormen already knew us and came up for yet another black and white cookie in exchange for his W pin.



Day three was sit around and watch movies day, got some grease at the diner, and prepare for another night out. I requested dinner in Little Italy which was arranged courtesy of Dave May. The place we went was soooo good and once again we were treated like celebs, other patrons were even asking who was sitting at our table as we made friends with Tony the greatest waiter, and all of the managers. Everyone beside Christina, Dave May, and I faded. We decided to hit the local scene and see what was up. We headed to the Alphabet zone and ended up at China 1, not the Animal Hospital. We hung out there for a bit and met some guys from Detriot. It was my mission to find the cutest guy in the place and ask him for a kiss. There was two guys hanging out by the dj booth and it was a last minute decision who was cuter. I went with the guy on the left. 'It is my 30th birthday, will you kiss me?" His friend replied enthusiasically, "yay he will!!". The cutie grabbed me and gave me a hollywood kiss. I said thank you and walked back to my friends. Then we headed to the No Malace Palace. Detriot boys were all about buying tequilla shots and even made me do a body shot. After that boy kissed me, the vibe was lost and I told C, it was time to hit the bricks. She found a cutie and we ran out the door as fast as we could. We only had 15 minutes to get another drink. After running outside, I found another hottie and gave him my line. He kissed me as well and then ended up being the friend of the guy C found. Perfect!! The four of us had some more to drink and then headed off to Cafeteria for grilled cheese. The cab was driven by Mohammad whom I made good friends with along the way and who allowed me to doodle on his clipboard. There was a huge line at Cafateria which I just walked up and smoozed the bouncer to get us in. it was soo good!! We didn't get back the hotel until 0700.
My actually birthday day was spent sayng goodbye to friends, getting back to the ol' Kearny house, getting some Boston Market and later pizza, watching the Duck basketball game, figuring out the source of bruised, watching Office Space, and retelling stories about the days prior. For the past two nights I haven't moved when I hit the pillow. I suspect it will be a week before I am fully recoverd. I was welcomed to my thirties with the best weekend of my life.

st. pattys day celebrated early

The luck of the Irish hasn't really been with Amanda and I on this trip. From the mouth of our FO, maybe it was because we were packing around a ginny with us! We arrived in LAX around 0030 local time, me with a hangover from hell and the rest of the crew red eyed from the long day. We found out that our flight home had been pre-emptavely canceled due to weather in the NE and we would then be deadheading home a couple of hours later instead. We made our way to the hotel and got settled in. The morning was spent feeling wonderful (the day after the hangover is always the best day ever) and watching the weather channel. Lunch consisted of woodfire pizza previous to making our way to the airport. There were only three of us as our captian left earlier in the morning and the lead, now nicknamed Mr. Ed had gone to the airport already. We get through security and the airport is strangely quiet, the reason became clear once we looked at the board and saw that our flight was canceled. An hour and a half on hold to talk to ops informed us that we would now be deadheading home on the red eye. Back to the hotel we went and agreed to meet downstairs to find a store and replace the phone which had yet to revive itself. A trolley took us down to Manhattan Beach from which we walked a half a mile to the Verizon store after stopping to buy a sweatshirt. At last, we arrived to find it was a Cingular store, the conceriege had gotten mixed up. We had ol' Mr. Ed checking on the status of our flight as she had her nose up everything else as well, we might as well put her to work for us. Finding out our flight was canceled and our next day St. Pattys plans were quickly falling apart, Amanda decided she wanted to get drunk. A cab ride which stopped in front of an Irish pub started off our night with a Guinness in hand. Sushi came next for dinner and the introduction of the saki-bomb game. Back to the pub for more drinks and then off dancing. We had such a great night and arrived back at the hotel around 0300 to look at our schedules which hadn't updated. We mentally planned to deadhead on the first flight out and set our wake up calls accordingly. Instead the phone rang at 0515 with the information we were working the flight due to leave in one hour to IAH. One hour of sleep is what I received and it was pure adrenale that took me through the day. Once we got to IAH, we were not listed on the flight and they wouldn't let us on the plane. Finally we arrived in EWR, a full day later and on my day off, on St Patty's Day, and me left with only enough energy to drive home. For what it is worth, we had a hell of good time our four day trip that turned into five that felt like a month.

4 day part one

This is one job which the “spring forward” time change doesn’t really affect a person. We, as flight crew are constantly adjusting our internal clock to the local time. The different time zones sometimes allows for confusion in when to meet up for dinner. This was such the case on the pairing. Our first and only flight of the day took us to San Antonio. I was tired because I got caught finishing the second season of Grey’s and didn’t hit the hay until midnight. I was told to come in a 0600 and do my final review for probation, an hour before check in. The crew agreed to meet at 1700 for dinner, I asked local or our time…our time. I set the alarm on my phone and took a much-needed nap. As I was getting up to meet everyone, I realized my phone automatically changed to CST. Damn it, maybe I can catch them at the Mexican restaurant a for mentioned. I walked out and it was sprinkling a bit. The more I walked to more the rain came down until I was soaked, the search for an open place to eat ended in me hitting the hotel bar where low and behold, there were the pilots.
The first officer and I were able to get our timing right last night as we agreed to meet for happy hour. The original plan was to hit Great America but it is not open until April. Morton’s had just opened and was on the first thing to do on our list provided by the chamber lady who just happened to be at the front desk when we came up with the map we stole from the concierge desk asking for advice. The next stop was an Irish pub, which is always a good time….too good of a time as I taught the ol’ Italian New Yorker how to do an Irish car bomb. Two other guys wanted to know what we were drinking so I bought them a round and taught them as well. Then they bought me a round after hanging door signs on me. "Brillant!!" Salsa dancing was next on our agenda and according to my friend; I flashed a cop car on the walk to the Agenda. They were not going to let me in the Salsa club and I told them I wasn't going to drink I was going to Salsa! The night started to get spotty from the there but I remember dancing and salsa-ing around. We made it back to the hotel, which strangely enough I stayed at ten years ago with my boyfriend, around 2300 and I woke up at 0600 to discover my phone didn’t work. I am sure it had something to do with it falling into the sink at the bar and then my dropping it.
Onward to LAX to day via IAH, and we don’t get in until 0100 local time…it will be one hell of long day.

a day with me is never dull

I was unable to pick up a trip on my day off, so instead I picked up airport alert. I brought my computer to dink around and watch a missed episode and was getting ready for a nap when the bat phone rang. My name was called and I mumbled obsenities on my way to answer it. "Your going to TPA on a three day", the scheduler said, "gate 93'. Alrighty, off I went across the airport at a good pace. As I reached the last wing my name was announced over the PA, that resulted in a break out run to the gate where I was met with sacrasim. I boarded the plane in a hurry and quickly met my all guy (woo-hoo) crew. Off to TPA we went, me working my favorite position with a fantastic crew. A cookie awaited us upon check-in indicating a night at the Doubletree and then a meeting was set with the crew. Our captain lived in the area and took us out on his boat across the bay to have lunch and drinks on the water. The day was spent with a beer in one hand, sun warming my body, and goofying around with the guys. The next day we were off to LAS via CLE. I never sat down the whole trip because I was having fun with the passangers and the lead FA and I were playing spades. The crew met again and walked over to the Hard Rock to have dinner and gamble. Luck was not on anyone side as we quicky lost money. The group disbursed but the gay guy stayed with me. It was early so we walked around to kill time and saw the hotest firefighter driving the truck back to the station. I stood across the street and asked him what time he got off. A little dective work (eg asking the security guy on his bike) led to the whereabouts of station 18 and tickets to get into Body English. We waited until 2200 and walked up to get into the club, hey we are running on EST here. Instead they ushered us into a venue where the Steve Miller Band was playing. Talk about a WT crowd! It was good way to kill an hour, and to laugh at the youngen with me how never heard of the band. A few more hours of dancing and drinking free champange and then we headed back to the hotel. Not before we stopped by the fire department to find out, sadly, it was locked up tight. "Can't we just call them?" I asked. It was clearly time to go to bed.

tba

My pairing indicated that my hotel room was tba for my evening in IAH. Usually we stay at the Marriott ajacent to the aiport but since the rodeo was in town. My room would be at the Clarion which was located next to Rick's which appeared to be a stripclub from the looks of it. I walked through many hallways into my room that was straight out of the eighties. The TV, the comforters, the desk, the coffeemaker,the smell. I needed a drink, so I threw on a tee and jeans and walked into the twightlight zone of a bar. I took a look around and saddled up to the bar with another odd smell and black duct tape on the edge. The gathering of idiots with their whiskey and voices straight out the Simpons, you know when they show the white trash, was summed up with the neon blue Bud Light sign in the shape of Texas. I order a Pinot Noir from the misplaced Asian bartender, her reply, "what kind of water?". "Uhm, do you have red wine?", "yes what kind you want?" "Whatever you have". Well she poured it in a champange flute, that was her choice from the multitude of glassware straight out of my mom's china cabinet. I took in the scene for as long as it took to choke down the wine I would need to go to sleep and excused myself to my room. Somethings about the 80's I miss, the music, some of the styles, but as for 80's hotels, well I can do without.

memory

I understand why people move to Florida, if just for the memories which summertime brings. A quick glance behind me at the sunshine, grass, trees and the birds chirping took me back to standing in my front yard. I was ten at the most standing on a railroad tie that separated the ashfalt from the lawn in a hot pink tank top with double singlet straps. I was happy, it was warm, school was out, my parents were home. I can't recall my actions prior or my plans after but right now I can still feel the sun beating upon my shoulders and the giddiness that only comes from being carefree.

food court

Although the options encourage it, it blows my mind how horrible people eat in airports. Struggling just to find a place to sit for one, I look at people’s choices for lunch. Majority of the people have opted for McDonalds but there are other favorites around such as Nathan’s Famous, a Chinese place, Sbarro, Ben and Jerry’s, Treat Street, and Dunkin Donuts. I watch, as I proudly eat my sushi, fries being shoved into faces as they watch the ipods, pasta being consumed in record time, and my absolute favorite, the woman with a already empty Ben and Jerry’s cup in front of her, with what I presume to have been a shake, now holding in her hand a waffle cone and the straw from the previous item, sucking up her remaining ice cream. When I first started this job, eating crap became routine because of the lack of time and planning ahead that had yet to be learned. After this routine became weight gain and lack of self confidence, it has quickly changed into only eating grilled chicken, sushi, salads, or protein shakes, along with the healthy goodies now found in my trusty tote bag.

Off to FLL as a load, which means that I am kickin’ by myself at the hotel for 22 hours. I plan to check out some pre-season baseball and work on my tan. Perks about this job…a tan in the winter that is constantly renewed with visits to the sunshine.

fort

A part of this job, which they don’t disclose during the interview process, is the loneliness. Many of us, including myself, have uprooted their lives and moved for the job. The loneliness I am feeling now is mostly self-made as I found a place to have solitude while everyone else is home. I returned home after four hours of airport appreciation last night to house full of roommates and one out of town guest. I stepped through the maze to go the bathroom, then to feed George, and then to feed myself. Realizing I had yet to put my sheets on from laundry day, I tackled the project of making a loft bead. Up and down the step I went, sheet, sheet, comforter, pillow, and pillow. Then it hit me, my bed with pillows positioned properly could serve as my own fort. I got comfy and climbed up with my computer, headphones, and a disk of Grey’s Anatomy and found much needed solitude. Sadly this is also how I spent my on-call day today as well, watching six episodes. Now it is drawing towards midnight and although I have talked to a couple friends, I still feel alone. Not really homesick, not in the mood to hang out with anyone, just empty.