jumpseat therapy

After three beers:
Obviousally I haven't been myself lately, I haven't posted, I haven't returned phone calls, I find myself in moments of sadness through out the day, just wandering off into space. I am on the second trip since my return back to Jersey after being on Oregon for two weeks. My roommate was actually surprised I came home. The only plausable reason I can give for coming back to Jersey is the fact that the one thing I have wanted in the past year has finally came to regonization, as of July second, I am an international flight attendant! I had to come back for the simple fact that I have put so much time in and to leave before knowing what it is like would be crazy.

Next Morning:
I am sad. It is not a feeling that I am used to. It has only been two weeks since I had to say goodbye to my father but it feels like an eternity. My emotions are not in tack, my heart aches to be filled with something other than sadness. I am grasping for things to fill the void, I look to the past, to those who knew and loved him as I did for comfort. I feel like I am wandering aimlessly down a path with no end point or clue where to turn. I drink too much, I cry in the shower, I get upset when I don’t get my way, I have isolated myself from those who love me and talk to strangers instead. My strong front is still there; no one would know how I feel when I am alone. But here I sit, alone in a hotel room staring at the storm clouds.

Seventeen hours in Tulsa is too long to be alone with my thoughts. I am attempting to get back in the swing of my East Coast life by working and going out in the city. Christina’s dad was in town last weekend and I was invited to join them for dinner at Tao`. Because Britney was not invited due to her “wet-blanket” status, I had to be sneaky about how we met up. I headed to the city a few hours after I dropped them off at the Path station and went and got my nails done. During the drive, it surprised me to see all of these cars painted with names and “congrast” honoring the graduation that was taking place the next day. Apparently it is a huge deal to graduate high school in Jersey. Good grief! I spent a few hours walking around the city before meeting them at the W. Dinner and drinks were fabulous and with our willing group we headed down to our favorite spots, the Penthouse at the Gansevoort (where we meet several Irish boys), One, Buddha Bar, PM, Cafeteria, and finally the Whiskey Bar. All and all a good night in the city. A whole day to myself at the old apartment preceded a four-day trip in which time seems to be standing still. My crew is great minus the sexist, asshole captain with way too much hair on his arms. My salvation has been the first class gal, with whom I have opened my heart up to and blabbed about the empty feeling in my heart and my need to fill it with comfort and familiarity. She listens with no judgment and offers sound advice. She is exactly what I need right now. Back on the “road” I go, sit time in IAH, then a late flight home. I am hoping to be released to my day off as my music producer from LA is in town! I do a little dance whenever I think about it!!