I used to have this poster in my room growing up, I am not sure when I first got it but I know that it was on my wall during my high school and a during the year I lived at home during college. I was a drama student and was in a phase of the mask. i loved them and even had to make one of my own face in drama class out of paper mache. The poster was of a hand removing a mask from a face, they were identical. The white hand had perfect red fingernails and the mask which it held was a gorgeous woman. Only her features where detailed, the eyes with long lashes, the ideal nose, the rosy high cheek bones, the lips were bright red and in the shape of a smile. The face which was being unveiled in the poster was ideal in the features except the eyes were sadder and the mouth was expressionless and there was a single tear gliding down the high cheek bone.
I received a note on my FB wall today:
Hey just looking through your photos finally you look beautiful and looks like you have a great group of friends!
It caught me off guard as I was mentally looking through my photos and I guess I do post all the good times and those good times are mostly with my friends. Travel aside, I don't go around taking photos of myself having dinner or just hanging out alone. I do project that life. I hear it all the time, "what an exciting life you lead". "sex in the city life" "you have so many friends" "you are constantly doing something" "you really know how to live". I completely agree with these outside views when I am motivated to get out of the apartment and take the world by the horns. What you don't see in my status updates, or photos or even in my stories sometimes is how freakin lonely I am. I keep myself busy in order not to think about it, and of course I am not lonely when I am with my true friends here which I can count on one hand. And granted there are those moments that I love being alone. I have begged to live alone for three years and at last, I do. I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep from the hours of 330 to 430 and thinking that I would like to be in my bed in Portland. I was thinking about who I could call and chat with and no one came to mind that would appreciate a call that late even with the time difference. I started and the ceiling and thought about what I would be doing if I was "home". Then it hit me, I would be doing the same exact thing. And that is when I fell asleep.
I know I am depressed about leaving, about making another life change. My body is telling me with tummy upset and a few zits. I want to sleep all the time and have arguments with my eyes to stay open and get out to do things. I think I have it all planned out but thinking about the details drives me mad, so I push then aside.
I have been dating this guy for a month or so. We have fun together and I had the upper hand, so much to the fact he was texting me that he thought about me and missed me. I guess that is all it took for the self destruct mode to set in unconsciously. I ruined the "relationship" last week by blatantly flirting with other boys while we were at the bar. We didn't come together, he came with a group of friends, and I with Carrie. I can use alcohol as the reason for my stupidity but it is not an excuse. And then I was upset when he left not even realizing what I did until the next day after the hangover left. I sent an apology but didn't hear back. I went out last night in hopes to see him. I only had beer and wanted so badly for him to walk through that door and forgive me. He never showed and I continued to kick myself for the rest of the evening. Granted I wasn't out for a long term thing, I just liked having someone around, someone who adored me.
So I will continue wear the mask of beauty and happiness. The three great finds at the thrift store this afternoon will help keep this mirage in place.
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