28 June 2007
delay
I suppose I can look at this as training for going international; the fact that I am sitting here in the crew room waiting for my flight to depart at 0200. It was orginally scheduled for 2030 and we were the only flight in the whole airport that wasn't delayed due to weather. Instead it a maintaince delay which turned into our aircraft being taken away. I only have four hours sleep under my belt since our flight last night didn't arrive here until 0400. We sat on the tarmac last night in the humity for two and half hours. We did our best to accommidate everyone since the story of the passangers going irrate on the plane just came out on the news and the first person that asked me about their passanger rights got an earful from me. My day off was rolled so I could be sent to CMH, this is almost day six of working and I will have to admit, that I am tired.
27 June 2007
jumpseat therapy
After three beers:
Obviousally I haven't been myself lately, I haven't posted, I haven't returned phone calls, I find myself in moments of sadness through out the day, just wandering off into space. I am on the second trip since my return back to Jersey after being on Oregon for two weeks. My roommate was actually surprised I came home. The only plausable reason I can give for coming back to Jersey is the fact that the one thing I have wanted in the past year has finally came to regonization, as of July second, I am an international flight attendant! I had to come back for the simple fact that I have put so much time in and to leave before knowing what it is like would be crazy.
Next Morning:
I am sad. It is not a feeling that I am used to. It has only been two weeks since I had to say goodbye to my father but it feels like an eternity. My emotions are not in tack, my heart aches to be filled with something other than sadness. I am grasping for things to fill the void, I look to the past, to those who knew and loved him as I did for comfort. I feel like I am wandering aimlessly down a path with no end point or clue where to turn. I drink too much, I cry in the shower, I get upset when I don’t get my way, I have isolated myself from those who love me and talk to strangers instead. My strong front is still there; no one would know how I feel when I am alone. But here I sit, alone in a hotel room staring at the storm clouds.
Seventeen hours in Tulsa is too long to be alone with my thoughts. I am attempting to get back in the swing of my East Coast life by working and going out in the city. Christina’s dad was in town last weekend and I was invited to join them for dinner at Tao`. Because Britney was not invited due to her “wet-blanket” status, I had to be sneaky about how we met up. I headed to the city a few hours after I dropped them off at the Path station and went and got my nails done. During the drive, it surprised me to see all of these cars painted with names and “congrast” honoring the graduation that was taking place the next day. Apparently it is a huge deal to graduate high school in Jersey. Good grief! I spent a few hours walking around the city before meeting them at the W. Dinner and drinks were fabulous and with our willing group we headed down to our favorite spots, the Penthouse at the Gansevoort (where we meet several Irish boys), One, Buddha Bar, PM, Cafeteria, and finally the Whiskey Bar. All and all a good night in the city. A whole day to myself at the old apartment preceded a four-day trip in which time seems to be standing still. My crew is great minus the sexist, asshole captain with way too much hair on his arms. My salvation has been the first class gal, with whom I have opened my heart up to and blabbed about the empty feeling in my heart and my need to fill it with comfort and familiarity. She listens with no judgment and offers sound advice. She is exactly what I need right now. Back on the “road” I go, sit time in IAH, then a late flight home. I am hoping to be released to my day off as my music producer from LA is in town! I do a little dance whenever I think about it!!
Obviousally I haven't been myself lately, I haven't posted, I haven't returned phone calls, I find myself in moments of sadness through out the day, just wandering off into space. I am on the second trip since my return back to Jersey after being on Oregon for two weeks. My roommate was actually surprised I came home. The only plausable reason I can give for coming back to Jersey is the fact that the one thing I have wanted in the past year has finally came to regonization, as of July second, I am an international flight attendant! I had to come back for the simple fact that I have put so much time in and to leave before knowing what it is like would be crazy.
Next Morning:
I am sad. It is not a feeling that I am used to. It has only been two weeks since I had to say goodbye to my father but it feels like an eternity. My emotions are not in tack, my heart aches to be filled with something other than sadness. I am grasping for things to fill the void, I look to the past, to those who knew and loved him as I did for comfort. I feel like I am wandering aimlessly down a path with no end point or clue where to turn. I drink too much, I cry in the shower, I get upset when I don’t get my way, I have isolated myself from those who love me and talk to strangers instead. My strong front is still there; no one would know how I feel when I am alone. But here I sit, alone in a hotel room staring at the storm clouds.
Seventeen hours in Tulsa is too long to be alone with my thoughts. I am attempting to get back in the swing of my East Coast life by working and going out in the city. Christina’s dad was in town last weekend and I was invited to join them for dinner at Tao`. Because Britney was not invited due to her “wet-blanket” status, I had to be sneaky about how we met up. I headed to the city a few hours after I dropped them off at the Path station and went and got my nails done. During the drive, it surprised me to see all of these cars painted with names and “congrast” honoring the graduation that was taking place the next day. Apparently it is a huge deal to graduate high school in Jersey. Good grief! I spent a few hours walking around the city before meeting them at the W. Dinner and drinks were fabulous and with our willing group we headed down to our favorite spots, the Penthouse at the Gansevoort (where we meet several Irish boys), One, Buddha Bar, PM, Cafeteria, and finally the Whiskey Bar. All and all a good night in the city. A whole day to myself at the old apartment preceded a four-day trip in which time seems to be standing still. My crew is great minus the sexist, asshole captain with way too much hair on his arms. My salvation has been the first class gal, with whom I have opened my heart up to and blabbed about the empty feeling in my heart and my need to fill it with comfort and familiarity. She listens with no judgment and offers sound advice. She is exactly what I need right now. Back on the “road” I go, sit time in IAH, then a late flight home. I am hoping to be released to my day off as my music producer from LA is in town! I do a little dance whenever I think about it!!
19 June 2007
excerps
My first day back at work leaves me sitting airport alert. It is the perfect ease in to the flow that I so desperately need to get back into. My journey back was that of chaos as the flight I wanted to take home was full so I had to take another carrier and wound up at a different ariport. It wasn' that big of a deal but the trip that should have taken six hours took twelve and contained no sleep. The only way I could get home was to take a jumpseat and sleeping is not allowed. So, with the help of coffee and conversation I stayed up through a red-eye. I have never been so happy to see my base airport as the bus with rattling windows and lack of proper shocks pulled up after an hour drive. I slept majority of the day with the girl, who was very understanding of my absense and laid beside me.
Fifteen days in Oregon, they all seem like a blur. The day my father passed with full of things to get done, paperwork and thank you wise. We followed our list around town and I existed on coffee. We stopped and got our hair down as we were heading out to dinner with some neighbors and Janene, who graciously dropped everything to come and get me. I was just going to get a blow-out when I asked the stylist what he would do with my hair. After years of the same hairstyle, I let him cut it and it felt great to have the change. We actually found a real restaurnat in ol' Roseburg and headed out knowing we were going to drink our sorrows away. It got off to a slow start as we were not helped right away but in the matter of an hour we had the owner at our table and were on our second bottle of champange. We toasted to the long life of Ray and enjoyed our evening. Three bottles of champange, apps, and dessert made four ladies extremely giggly. We got home and decided it would be a great idea to dye my hair. You can call me red now!
Back to Portland in a haze, we pulled out of the drive way and I told Janene to stop the car. The orange juice that I just jugged didn't agree with me and up came mimosa puke. Thank goodness for the staple of hangover food McDonalds. The rest of the day was spent not being able to complete a sentence or carry a thought for more than a moment. The perfect person to be incoherant with was Didi and we spent happy hour over margaritas just chatting away.
The great thing about having guy friends is how they can wrap you in their arms and make you feel so secure. I am fortunate to have many guy friends and I lingered in each of their arms.
A bbq was thrown in my honor and it was great to have everyone attend and see the overwhelming love and support I have in my life. Plus whenever my friends get together we spend the whole time laughing and telling embarrassing stories.
Saturday, reality started to settle in. I sat on the couch all day beside heading down to Manzana for my favorite soup and four Bud Lites. I watched a movie and ignored every phone call while just stareing at the walls.. A good friend came over and just held me and allowed me to have the break down that I knew was coming but had been put off until I could be in someones arms.
Father's Day...calls were a plenty. I spent the day de-personalizing my loft as I am about to rent it. Each picture frame held a happy memory and every picture on my fridge was taken down with pause on remembering the moment. Graciously Janene offered up her father for the day and I spent my last night having dinner with her family.
I know that I am going to be okay. I am strong. I am the daughter of a strict but fair father. I am the center of a circle of friends who hold me up when I am unable to stand. I am best friends with my mom. I am loved.
Fifteen days in Oregon, they all seem like a blur. The day my father passed with full of things to get done, paperwork and thank you wise. We followed our list around town and I existed on coffee. We stopped and got our hair down as we were heading out to dinner with some neighbors and Janene, who graciously dropped everything to come and get me. I was just going to get a blow-out when I asked the stylist what he would do with my hair. After years of the same hairstyle, I let him cut it and it felt great to have the change. We actually found a real restaurnat in ol' Roseburg and headed out knowing we were going to drink our sorrows away. It got off to a slow start as we were not helped right away but in the matter of an hour we had the owner at our table and were on our second bottle of champange. We toasted to the long life of Ray and enjoyed our evening. Three bottles of champange, apps, and dessert made four ladies extremely giggly. We got home and decided it would be a great idea to dye my hair. You can call me red now!
Back to Portland in a haze, we pulled out of the drive way and I told Janene to stop the car. The orange juice that I just jugged didn't agree with me and up came mimosa puke. Thank goodness for the staple of hangover food McDonalds. The rest of the day was spent not being able to complete a sentence or carry a thought for more than a moment. The perfect person to be incoherant with was Didi and we spent happy hour over margaritas just chatting away.
The great thing about having guy friends is how they can wrap you in their arms and make you feel so secure. I am fortunate to have many guy friends and I lingered in each of their arms.
A bbq was thrown in my honor and it was great to have everyone attend and see the overwhelming love and support I have in my life. Plus whenever my friends get together we spend the whole time laughing and telling embarrassing stories.
Saturday, reality started to settle in. I sat on the couch all day beside heading down to Manzana for my favorite soup and four Bud Lites. I watched a movie and ignored every phone call while just stareing at the walls.. A good friend came over and just held me and allowed me to have the break down that I knew was coming but had been put off until I could be in someones arms.
Father's Day...calls were a plenty. I spent the day de-personalizing my loft as I am about to rent it. Each picture frame held a happy memory and every picture on my fridge was taken down with pause on remembering the moment. Graciously Janene offered up her father for the day and I spent my last night having dinner with her family.
I know that I am going to be okay. I am strong. I am the daughter of a strict but fair father. I am the center of a circle of friends who hold me up when I am unable to stand. I am best friends with my mom. I am loved.
13 June 2007
blue dots
My mom has these tissues convientiantly placed every where around the house. They have come in hand for the obvious reasons and well as the allergies that are adding tormenant to my life right now. Everytime they get wet, these blue dots brighten up. I am unsure of why but I will admit that I look at my snot to see if it is green or clear and healthy every once in a while. Since the introduction of the blue dot klennex in my life (a week ago) everything into the tissue intrigues me as I am waiting for the dots to turn different colors.
Right now the dots don't mean a thing as my dad has passed.
Right now the dots don't mean a thing as my dad has passed.
12 June 2007
birds
Every hour a different bird is chirping. It is really quite disturbing because not only is the damn clock annoying in every sense of the word, but it reminds us that another hour has gone by with no progress. Day six of my holdup in Roseburg and my dad is feistier than ever. We have given him enough drugs to tranquilize a horse and he is still fiddling about. I have also drugged my mom and put her to bed due to the lack of sleep she is experiencing so it just me and the caregiver hanging out. I am bummed because I feel like I am missing summer and I know this sounds terrible but I am ready to have my dad and family, for that matter at peace. My mom has me cutting up little cards and drawing things, gluing them to trees and I am at the point of delirium that it makes perfect sense to be doing such a thing. Every night I cook dinner and make something exotic (compared to life in NJ) because she has a clean kitchen and supplies to do it. Last night was the exception because I had dental work and my whole face was numb, all the way up to my eyeballs, so I am not making dinner if I can't enjoy it! The bird is about to chirp again so it my signal to move to a different room in the house and shake life up a bit.
09 June 2007
rainy day
We are taught from a young age to desire instant gratification. It is re-inforced through out our daily lives in things like atm machines, drive throughs, etc. We want results and we want them now. It is something even more drilled into those of us who live in the New York area...now, now, now, we don't have the time to wait. Being pulled out of that enviroment and set into that of a slow town where the most exciting event of the whole week was the dentist has thrown me for a loop.
It is day four of my time here with the family and we are all waiting. The caregiver, the nurses who stop by, mom and myself. The pace of activity is set by my father. We he awakes we rush to his side asking him what he wants or needs but it is difficult to understand. So we do what we think may make him comfortable. The cycle of life is real, it is like the body returns to a state of reliabilty and need. The hardest part of all of this for me is watching a once strong man become week before my eyes. My go, go, go life has come to a slow and unsteady pace forcing me to do nothing but wait.
It is day four of my time here with the family and we are all waiting. The caregiver, the nurses who stop by, mom and myself. The pace of activity is set by my father. We he awakes we rush to his side asking him what he wants or needs but it is difficult to understand. So we do what we think may make him comfortable. The cycle of life is real, it is like the body returns to a state of reliabilty and need. The hardest part of all of this for me is watching a once strong man become week before my eyes. My go, go, go life has come to a slow and unsteady pace forcing me to do nothing but wait.
07 June 2007
living in the haze we call june
The month of June thus far has felt like a fog. A thick fog around my head as I lay in bed unable to get up without exhausation. It was the first time I have been sick since starting this job and it was miserable to be so far away from home and not feel well. The good news was that I was sleeping so much during the muggy days of the NE while in a loft bed sweating out all the impurities as well as a few pounds to boot. My first sick call made me feel guilty but I got over it quickly as I spent my last day of "being sick" in the city. I met Lynne in the city that she and I share such a love for in time for a cocktail followed by dinner on Christopher Street at a delightful restaurant called Garage. Much to our surprise, a full jazz band played for our entertainment. Pomagrante martinis and the company of new friends, followed by dessert in the village was the recipe for a wonderful evening.
My first trip of the month took me to DCA then back and back to DCA followed the next day by a PBI turn. Alright we can do this...I checked in for my trip and still felt a bit off of my game. We were informed of a three and a half hour ground stop once we reached DCA. I went to turn on my phone to see if anyone sent me some love over the fourty minute flight. There it was, the message I had been preparing myself for for over a year now..."come home". I went into panic mode has I tried to figure out how I was going to get home to Oregon. I made the calls to the supervisors, told the captain, and with some doing made it on the plane the next morning.
I was greeted at my favorite airport by my favorite friend Janene. A stop for gas, snacks, and coffee and we were on our way to Roseburg. She was amazing with my family and exhibited strength and compassion that anyone would be lucky to witness let alone have it touch their lives.
Now it a waiting period. Waiting for the end of a good man's life. I am here for support but have yet to gain the strength I need to handle this situation. I am still in a haze of thoughts and activities. Nothing matters now other than being here.
My first trip of the month took me to DCA then back and back to DCA followed the next day by a PBI turn. Alright we can do this...I checked in for my trip and still felt a bit off of my game. We were informed of a three and a half hour ground stop once we reached DCA. I went to turn on my phone to see if anyone sent me some love over the fourty minute flight. There it was, the message I had been preparing myself for for over a year now..."come home". I went into panic mode has I tried to figure out how I was going to get home to Oregon. I made the calls to the supervisors, told the captain, and with some doing made it on the plane the next morning.
I was greeted at my favorite airport by my favorite friend Janene. A stop for gas, snacks, and coffee and we were on our way to Roseburg. She was amazing with my family and exhibited strength and compassion that anyone would be lucky to witness let alone have it touch their lives.
Now it a waiting period. Waiting for the end of a good man's life. I am here for support but have yet to gain the strength I need to handle this situation. I am still in a haze of thoughts and activities. Nothing matters now other than being here.
02 June 2007
news
We are trained to look for it everyday, through security, on the way to the gate, during boarding, and through out the flight. My first medical emergency was located in first class when people were up for the bathroom lead me to believe it was a diversionary tactic. It isn't until something big happens that it hits the public eye.
Yesterday I called in sick as I had spent the whole day in bed, the thought of 0430 airport alert made me even more exhausted. I awoke today at 1330 with the news of threats of the attacks. I am so glad that I am not working today seeing how the news is showing all the planes out on the runway with no where to go. I am relived not to be working today but a little bit of me is curious as to what is going on at the airport. But here I am safe at home with all the roomies watching the news intermittently during episodes of Sex in the City.
Yesterday I called in sick as I had spent the whole day in bed, the thought of 0430 airport alert made me even more exhausted. I awoke today at 1330 with the news of threats of the attacks. I am so glad that I am not working today seeing how the news is showing all the planes out on the runway with no where to go. I am relived not to be working today but a little bit of me is curious as to what is going on at the airport. But here I am safe at home with all the roomies watching the news intermittently during episodes of Sex in the City.
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