i am going a little crazy...

My usually therapy is what I am returning to after what I describe as a trip on something and Janene describes as a panic attack. There are a few post that need to be put up to fill you in on my life but nothing bad, actually things are going really well right now. Well, I am just procrasting at my strangeness.

I am in London and woke up around 0445 after a wierd dream, went to the bathroom, then came back to bed. I put my eye mask back on and my feet out of the sheets as I was burning up. I was rehashing my dream thinking how strange it was and how vivid when I pulled my feet back in and pulled off my mask because I didn't want to be touched by spirits. We do stay in haunted hotels but I haven't heard anyting about this one. All of a sudden I didn't want to sleep, I turned on the lights in a panic. I didn't know anyone else's room number, "what is wrong with me?", I only had two glasses of wine, I had some Indian take-away in the city was there magic mushrooms in it. Finally I called Janene who told me to get out of the room. I described my dream which is pieced together as follows: my building and the builing next to mine in Portland were flooding and I was evacuating it but this big guy who was a friends dad in the dream (really more like the guy from Orange County Choppers) was pushing furniture around in the water. People were leaving and speaking to me in langauges that I understood but told them to move aside. After that I was in my loft to seek in and see what was going on to find that Russians were moving stuff out of my now warehouse size house and we were scared of getting caught. There was a whole room filled with porn in VHS form and then a group of my friends were hanging out in a circle talking then two identical priest walked in I went to the porn room and got them matching tapes with two matching vibrators. I walk out of the room and now there is a nail salon ran but black queens and Hilary is there with huge coloriful nails in large silver oven mitts with her hands in the air. The head guy, my ISM, told me it was okay to take her mitts off and play cards. Then we were in this room with computers and Yoder's ex was telling me how he paid for college by selling drugs. Meanwhile I am being them pushing white powder into ridges on a board. Then the Russians came in and were friendly saying that when the lease was up that everyone got the remaining contents in their room of export. I had a chain-link fence in my living room and this butch head of the organization hugged me.

I have no idea how long I was dreaming and I actually still feel like I could wake up at any moment. I am in the crew room now, avoiding my room and feeling sillier by the moment. There is a guy on my crew next to me who hasn't even acknowledged me to make me think this may still be a part of my dream. If this is a panic attack I want nothing to do with it, but I will tell you one thing...no more Indian food for me!

koala bear sheets

I have just returned home after a week of absense. First in Oregon followed directly by LGW. I picked up the trip so I could stay one more night in my beautiful home town and in the comfort of Dave May's bed. I created good karma by helping the agents in PDX out with boarding which ensured my ticket to work. I traded a guy for the back galley of the 777, and I will have to admit, I was a bit overwhelmed at first and forgot to warm up all the bread yesterday but today...piece of cake. And it was nice to be away from dealing with passengers. I tried a new route home today and got as far as Canal Street before I wound up in Brooklyn. Finally back to the neighborhood and found a parking spot right off then proceeded to take my roller board, backpack, handbag, purse, and a collapasable bed down the street and up four flights of stairs. The next hour was spent blowing up a twin size air mattress and making myself dizzy. Finally, I had my foundation for a bed. Next came koala bear sheets that I used to have as a child. It made me absolutely giddy to put them on! The five pillows I have take over the bed but add to the comfort that both George and I have enjoyed via an afternoon nap. I go from partying with queens over crew juice to a mellow evening in Manhattan that will include a beer and some bbq.

nomad

I am sitting in my old neighborhood; the sun is out, I look and feel great besides the fact that I am currently a nomad. Starbucks is my place until both my computer and phone charge. Every door I went and knocked on was vacant. I thought about going to my place to see if my renters were home and would let me hang out for a while but I thought better of it. The day that was open for possibilities is slowly slipping away from me. I have run a few errands, had coffee with Anne, lunch with Amy, and awaiting calls back to fill my card for happy hour. I picked up a trip to ol’ LGW just so I can have peace of mind not being on call tomorrow. Manhattan seems a lifetime away right now; I doubt I will return to the apartment until after my trip, as it is such an ordeal to get back and forth.

A day ago I mourned the loss of my father officially at his service followed by the reception. It was an easier process than first thought. I suppose it is due to the two months I have had to let it all sink in. With the support of my ladies, I made it through with a handful of tears. But let me tell you, when they played Taps on the trumpet, I let the tears flow.

return to dad

My gallivanting around the globe has only taken me to a few places thus far. I must have “sucker:” written on my profile because scheduling is constantly changing my trips. I was off to trip to Shannon that I picked up when, while suck on ninth ave, the phone rang and I instinctively picked it up. Would I mind going to Paris instead, was the question that was really direction. Sure, why not. I spent the next few hours in Jersey as to avoid the mass exit from the island of Manhattan and then headed off to work. Our crew was nice and laid back and with only one of the female. I have noticed that there tends to be more straight men on international flights and they all seem to love the hell out of me. A nap upon arrival gave me the energy to enjoy a Thai dinner with some of the other crews and our IRO and the mid flight’s FO ended up shutting down the hotel bar. I was escorted to my room by the FO, who kissed me goodnight. It was sort of out of the blue but won’t have been so bad accept he was a horrible kisser. I don’t know when boys stopped learning how to kiss well, or maybe it is a NE thing but the last two out of three guys have been horrible. The middle guy was from LA, the good kisser. Off to bed I went after my nightly ritual and then next morning came a bit early for me to discover toothpaste not only all over the sink but also my shoulder and hair. I must have had too many beers the night prior but at least I got my teeth brushed. I spent a blissful twenty hours in my fabulous apartment before packing up and trying to get on a flight to Portland. No such luck with the direct so now I find myself in between two, not so friendly guys would need to sit with their legs apart and hitting mine, the guys sit reclined in the front of me and for a while the kid behind me singing something. I can empathize with our passengers as I can say that I am not comfortable in the least bit and the crew isn’t very friendly either. Vegas is my stop over for the night and I am hoping enjoy a quick stay in Sin City. The week ahead of me is a bit grim, as my father’s service will be held. I am uneasy, as I have finally come to terms with his passing only to have to relive his death once more. It will be nice to see everyone and formally celebrate his life but…well it just sucks, emotional wise.

lgw-lgw-move

I sit in my new apartment, wide-awake at 0130. The road to get here to this moment of peace has been filled with bumps and hurdles. We found the place almost a month ago and put our application in, days upon days of sending more things to the man on the other end of the phone with a silly accent. Finally on the second we signed our lease. Our own little place on the Upper East Side! I had to go to LGW that evening so I was only able to move my clothes before I had to go home and get ready for work. A classmate and I worked the first class section and had a great time goofing around. A Temptation was on the flight and ended up giving me his number and inviting me to a show later in the month. After my return to the US, I loaded up my car with belongings and George and set off for the city. Christina had called in sick so she had most of her stuff gone already. She helped me get my stuff upstairs and then we set off to find dinner. I was good for the next day and then had two days off to finish moving. Well my plan was foiled by the phone ringing at 1100, I was off to BRS for the next three days leaving at 1940…okay that left me a whole day to get things done. Sunday brunch at a lovely outdoor café around 1330 and the phone rings again. Now I am supposed to be at airport alert at 1600. Crap! Had to run back and get ready to find my tire was flat. Luckily I now live across the street from a parking garage. I put on my best girl face and went over to see if they had air. Well the guy didn’t speak English so I did my best play charades of blowing up a tire. He ended up changing it for me. I drove through the Lincoln Tunnel after getting lost since the main street was closed due to a street fair. I make it to work two minutes late and call to check in. The phone rings with one hour and fifty-five minutes in to go to LGW. I walked the mile to the gate to find out that I was not needed and it was a mistake. Back to the crew room I went to sit for another hour until I was called once more for the later LGW flight. Nothing too exciting this time in London, I hung around the hotel and met the pilots for happy hour and then joined then for dinner at Ol Six Belles, a British restaurant that has been there since the 1600’s. I returned last night and finished moving everything. The fourth floor walk up provided quite a work out and the ninety-degree heat with ninety percent humidity melted off some of the international food I have been eating. The anal part of me was up at the crack of dawn to organize things and I am a bed away from having my side of the studio complete. I am super happy with the move and living in NYC was everything I expected it to be thus far.

playing catch up

My lack of blogging isn't due to the lack of stories, adventures, or want; it is due to the lack of time that has suddenly taken over my life. Finally at 0200 in Zurich, I am able to catch up without the phone ringing, without roommates asking me questions, without having to work, and without having to deal with anything other than my own thoughts. A Perrier, cup of soup, and peppermint tea beside me, allow me to fill you in on my adventures this month.

LGW

Eight hours strolling around London allowed me to see the tourist places of Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, Westminster Abby, and several other buildings that seemed to be of historic relevance. I asked for directions to the Farris wheel I could see from St. James Park. I was quickly corrected after a giggle from a guard to its name of the London Eye. Even though I had no sleep, I continued on, map in hand to check out this great city. The sure fire way of getting to know a culture is to take a stroll through a supermarket or the post office. My journey to get stamps for the mandatory postcard to my mum provided the entertainment of the afternoon as a man defined the word postal as he screamed at the counter about something. The second entertainment came in the form of a guy at the DOT. I stopped in for directions to a non-touristy place to get some fish and chips. He in turn takes his lunch and not only walks me there, orders for me, places me at a table with another guy, takes off to get cash, returns, and buys my lunch. It was a bizarre situation, but hell, I will take free lunch any day!
This was my first trip to work our first class aisle, and I will promptly claim this as my favorite position to work. Second trip and I am already spoiled.

CDG

I was on call, but only for one day. Dragging my feet a bit on going to look at some places in the city by myself, I got a late start and something told me to stay close to home. Thirty minutes later the phone rang and they told me they were rolling my days off and sending me to Paris. I actually let out a little scream to the scheduler on how happy I was. Her response was she was sorry to use me but not many domestic reserves hold their French visas, to which I told her, I was one of those dorky domestic reserves that did. My crew was fantastic and we had so much fun together on the flights and the layover. I found out my friend, Justin was on the early Paris flight and I was instructed to find his room when I landed. The bus drive to the city was long but gorgeous as we drove by the classic sights of the city of lights. We got out of the bus and I heard my name..."did I hear that right?...I am in Paris with a French name...where is that coming from?" I look up and my friend is frantically waving out the window of the ninth floor. We spent the day walking around, climbing the Eiffel Tower, eating ice cream, and taking it all in. Drinks in the lobby with the pilots proceeded dinner with the crew followed by smoking the hookah pipe at a local bar. Hands down my favorite layover yet.

Pounding the Manhattan pavement once more looking for the perfect place. We found one and started the process of applying. That called for a drink after some dolling up at Bergdorf’s. We made calls to find out which one of our guys we could meet up with. Tom (Christina's sugar daddy) was the first to respond. We met him at the St. Regis for cocktails and then proceeded to Sparks for dinner. This was the day of the steam explosion in the city which sent thoughts of terroism to every ones mind. It was a little scary to see helicopters, streets closed, and people running around without an answer as to what happened. Dinner was amazing and the ratio of guys to girls was around 30:1. This place knew our date very well and we were seated immediately. A view of the Yankee game, tons of men, a nice glass of Pinot, and a fabulous steak...this is what I call living!! We were getting up to leave when our waiter told us that a Yankee pitcher (on the DL) was asking who we were but because of who we were with, the waiter didn’t want to say anything. We will return to Sparks for sure!! Our next stop was to pick up some Duke of something to take him to the strip club we decided to check out. It was a pretty classy joint as far as strip clubs go, but man did those girls smell money. Our evening didn't end until 0530; I went on call at 0500.

CDG

On call once more and I was assigned SNN. An hour later the phone rang again..."I promise I am up", it was the scheduler who was in a bind and wanted to know if she could switch my flight. I told her my mom was coming on the third day of the trip and the soonest she could get me back, the better. I had a choice of GVA, BRU, or CDG. I took the earliest arrival, which ended up being Paris. I proceeded to sleep the whole time, thank goodness, I was just there.

DUB

This was not a working trip; this was holiday with my mum. She arrived in NY as I was over the Atlantic. I had Britney go and pick her up from the airport and unfortunately talk Carol's ear off, as she tends to do. I made it home around 1300 and by 1730; I was back at the airport. Two first class tickets, please...luckily we were able to fly upfront so I drank a bottle of wine and crashed out. Our hotel was simply lovely and Dublin was such a great town. Friendly people, lots of good looking guys, and I am all in favor of a country in which you can drink a Guinness at any time of the day without judgment. A literary pub crawl (my favorite thing), a city bus tour, tour of the Guinness factory, the book of Kells, St. Patrick’s' cathedral, hanging out on O'Connell Street (our ancestor), a ghost bus tour in which I was the prop for how to exhume a body, a tour to Cork to kiss the Blarney Stone, and a cabaret show made up our five day journey. Good stuff.

ZRH

I had Saturday off and wandering around the house alone, packing, completely frustrated about not knowing if I have a place to live in three days. I decided to volunteer to go to work. I called up and offered my services clarifying that I didn't want to go to Texas, overseas please. I had the choice of where I wanted to go and quickly picked Zurich. It is so beautiful here; they actually stamped my passport, no waiting on the hotel van, gummy bears at the front desk, and a welcome drink. The hotel is gorgeous as is the city, which was a 20-minute train ride away. I walked around as much as possible but shops were closed due to it being Sunday and I didn't feel well so I am back after a nap enjoying my room and a spot of tea.

I am really digging this international business and know that this is what I was cut out for.... international first class flight attendant...yep that is me!!

trouser press

I am sitting in an internet cafe in the airport in London awaiting the chance to use my free ticket to the city. I had almost an hour to kill and choose to check out shops, grab a water, and while walking by the cafe, I spotted a gorgeous man using the computers so I am currently sitting three computers away sending out a vibe. He has noticed me yet. The flight over was smooth and I worked a wonderful potition with a great galley person. Before I knew it we were landing and jumping on a bus. I was super excited to add a stamp to my passport and was very upset to find out that we in fact bypass customs and go straight to our hotel. Boo-Hiss!!!! I want a stamp damn it! I am too excited to go sightseeing to sleep and no one else on the crew shares my enthusiasm so my free ticket and I are hitting the train, map in hand, and checking out all this British stuff. Our hotel is pretty nice and within walking distance which means we don't have to tip anyone for handling our luggage. The word on the street is that the crew lounge is the happening place to be, so that is where I will be tonight. There is one strange thing in the room, a trouser press. Carol would be proud of me for throwing my shorts in there and getting the wrinkles out. Okay, the hot guy left...my time is up here. Watch out London, here I come!!

london calling

I just picked up my first international trip! I am going to heading to LGW as the first class aisle gal. It is a great position as all you do is serve the food, take orders, etc. I am super excited to go London as I have never been and having this much heads up allows me to change my sleep schedule so I can check everything out. Yes, darling tomorrow I leave for jolly ol' England!!! (you have to image my best British accent!) Cherrio for now...god, I am dork.

life on call

The new life of an international flight attendant has only consisted of one trip thus far. I have been off work for almost three days as we made it home around 0430 in the morning Sunday. After clearing customs, riding the bus, driving home, and washing my face I was in bed by 0600. I expected a trip that evening but received no call. The past two days have been spent on call in the city with luggage in the car just in case. Christina and I have been apartment searching which is a work out to say the least in the classic summer heat of NYC. We were brave enough to go past 97th and into Harlem to look at a place which was great for the price but the fact that we felt a little sketchy walking during a weekday afternoon told our guts we wouldn’t be safe in the middle of the night. We took a break to grab a drink at Tao’ and who do we see but LL Cool J. Christina offered our table if he needed a place to sit and told me that her hand ricocheted off his gun of an arm. Today we went back in the city and found our ideal place in Chelsea. Now we are waiting to hear back from the company after we ran across the street and faxed our application. We are trying to bribe people with airline passes to make our dream of living in the city a reality. We had lunch in the neighborhood at a seafood restaurant filled with friendly people and came into conversation with a two time Grammy winner, Freddie Jackson. Tonight is all about watching the All-Star game and soaking up the air con.

07.07.07

Four years ago I wanted to be getting married on this day. Alas, I am sitting in Tel Aviv on a layover from my very first international flight. I stopped by Starbucks to get an ice latte (my new addiction) and a pilot asked me where I was off to, I replied off to airport alert and actually excited about it. He told me that I would be on his flight to TLV that night, I laughed at him until the phone rang in the crew room and I was off to the gate. I remember shaking when I was first told and even asking the scheduler if she was sure. "Holy F, I am going to TLV" I shouted on my way out the door. A nine and half hour flight with an hour and half nap. My excitement wore off in the seventh hour as we did our breakfast service and I realized this was just an over-extended PBI trip. We headed to the market on our arrival to check it out as it was closing at sundown for Shabbat (Jewish Sabbath). There is a peace about being here today when everyone rest. They have an elevator in the hotel that stops on every floor as they are not allowed to press buttons or open doors on Shabbat. There is no cooked food available in the hotel either. My new friend, Marie and I took a journey this morning to Jaffah to check out the ruins and history, I probably took fifty photos and soaked it all in as I doubt I will ever have the chance to return.
I am off to the pool to enjoy the sun as the waves crash against the shore from the Mediterrian, take a nap, and then get ready for the 11 hour flight back home.

the fourth

Why is it that although there is great things, days, moments in ones life, we still hang up on the bad? I just smile to think about the past five days of my life. I haven't had to work because of the transition to international, instead I have been partying in the hottest clubs in NY, hanging out with my heart-throb, hanging out with friends, attending a Yankees game (nothing more patriotic on the fourth in my book), attending a roof top party in the middle of Manhattan with a first rate view of the most amazing fireworks I have ever seen, and being given airport alert tonight which increases my chances of my first trip internationally being something amazing. Are these the thoughts I wake up to? Nope, I wake up to a phone call that my new renters are not happy because I don't have cable or a tea kettle. Who, under the age of 50, owns a tea kettle? I think of how I am going to solve this situation without asking my friends to do more than they already do for me. I think about the strange feeling of finality of my last phone call with the ex over the loft. I think about how I don't have anywhere to live next month has Christina and I gave our notice. I think about if I will ever see "my future husband" again and kick myself for having one glass too many of champange. I think of Fourth of Julys in the past, my family at the Elks club, hanging out on the boat, the waterfront, being with someone. Alright I am done mopping....time to locate a tea kettle...I just felt myself age.

class act

So this life of being an international flight already has the perks of extra days off with the transition and I have been filling them up quite fabulously. My LA friend is in town but I have yet to be able to meet up with him as he is producing a music video. I got all dolled up to meet up with him if he was able then I was going to meet Christina after her date. To kill the hours, I hung out in Chelsae at some restaurant then Bungalow 8 and then over to Marquee. It's easy to get into these clubs when alone and in a cute dress. When the call came to meet up with the date couple, I hopped in a cab and made my way to Buddha Bat, we stayed there for a bit and Christina took the liberty of cutting me off as I already showed her date my pink panties. Our next stop was the infamous Tenjune. There was no waiting this time, we cut in front of the whole damn line with this guy and spent the rest of the evening dancing. Cafeteria finished out our night as usual then we got in his car and when we stopped next we were at a hotel. This guy owns a couple in the city so he got me my own room. Needless to say I woke up on Park Avenue. Yah, a girl could get used to that!!
Christina in her chumminess managed to talk to the right person at Tenjune because she ended up getting us invited to....Deter Jeter's birthday party!!! Oh, yes, you read right! Yesterday was spent napping after making it home from the city and then getting prom-perfect ready. I wore my birthday dress, thought the occassion afforded it. We were not sure what to expect but it ended up to be amazing, very intimate around fourty or fifty people. He is so sweet and goooorrrrgeous!!! Red velvet cupcakes, a dj, very nice and low key. I drank champange because I was nervous and can't really remember everything we talked about for the hour I sat with him. I did give him a peck on the cheek when the party was over. Cafeteria was once again graced with our presence but this time I spent more time on the sidewalk outside puking. We ended up staying at the W last night because we were too drunk to make it home safely and on the way back to the path in the cab, my leg was in the window and Christina asked me if had on underwear on. I lifted up my dress to show her and while she shook her head in disbelief, I informed her I was a class act! Since we were still dressed up at one in afternoon on a Monday people asked us if we were movie stars, we said yes. But we did see a star on the way, Mr Big was crossing the street and laughed at the squeal that came from Christina. Yes, we are stars, at least in our minds!!

delay

I suppose I can look at this as training for going international; the fact that I am sitting here in the crew room waiting for my flight to depart at 0200. It was orginally scheduled for 2030 and we were the only flight in the whole airport that wasn't delayed due to weather. Instead it a maintaince delay which turned into our aircraft being taken away. I only have four hours sleep under my belt since our flight last night didn't arrive here until 0400. We sat on the tarmac last night in the humity for two and half hours. We did our best to accommidate everyone since the story of the passangers going irrate on the plane just came out on the news and the first person that asked me about their passanger rights got an earful from me. My day off was rolled so I could be sent to CMH, this is almost day six of working and I will have to admit, that I am tired.

jumpseat therapy

After three beers:
Obviousally I haven't been myself lately, I haven't posted, I haven't returned phone calls, I find myself in moments of sadness through out the day, just wandering off into space. I am on the second trip since my return back to Jersey after being on Oregon for two weeks. My roommate was actually surprised I came home. The only plausable reason I can give for coming back to Jersey is the fact that the one thing I have wanted in the past year has finally came to regonization, as of July second, I am an international flight attendant! I had to come back for the simple fact that I have put so much time in and to leave before knowing what it is like would be crazy.

Next Morning:
I am sad. It is not a feeling that I am used to. It has only been two weeks since I had to say goodbye to my father but it feels like an eternity. My emotions are not in tack, my heart aches to be filled with something other than sadness. I am grasping for things to fill the void, I look to the past, to those who knew and loved him as I did for comfort. I feel like I am wandering aimlessly down a path with no end point or clue where to turn. I drink too much, I cry in the shower, I get upset when I don’t get my way, I have isolated myself from those who love me and talk to strangers instead. My strong front is still there; no one would know how I feel when I am alone. But here I sit, alone in a hotel room staring at the storm clouds.

Seventeen hours in Tulsa is too long to be alone with my thoughts. I am attempting to get back in the swing of my East Coast life by working and going out in the city. Christina’s dad was in town last weekend and I was invited to join them for dinner at Tao`. Because Britney was not invited due to her “wet-blanket” status, I had to be sneaky about how we met up. I headed to the city a few hours after I dropped them off at the Path station and went and got my nails done. During the drive, it surprised me to see all of these cars painted with names and “congrast” honoring the graduation that was taking place the next day. Apparently it is a huge deal to graduate high school in Jersey. Good grief! I spent a few hours walking around the city before meeting them at the W. Dinner and drinks were fabulous and with our willing group we headed down to our favorite spots, the Penthouse at the Gansevoort (where we meet several Irish boys), One, Buddha Bar, PM, Cafeteria, and finally the Whiskey Bar. All and all a good night in the city. A whole day to myself at the old apartment preceded a four-day trip in which time seems to be standing still. My crew is great minus the sexist, asshole captain with way too much hair on his arms. My salvation has been the first class gal, with whom I have opened my heart up to and blabbed about the empty feeling in my heart and my need to fill it with comfort and familiarity. She listens with no judgment and offers sound advice. She is exactly what I need right now. Back on the “road” I go, sit time in IAH, then a late flight home. I am hoping to be released to my day off as my music producer from LA is in town! I do a little dance whenever I think about it!!

excerps

My first day back at work leaves me sitting airport alert. It is the perfect ease in to the flow that I so desperately need to get back into. My journey back was that of chaos as the flight I wanted to take home was full so I had to take another carrier and wound up at a different ariport. It wasn' that big of a deal but the trip that should have taken six hours took twelve and contained no sleep. The only way I could get home was to take a jumpseat and sleeping is not allowed. So, with the help of coffee and conversation I stayed up through a red-eye. I have never been so happy to see my base airport as the bus with rattling windows and lack of proper shocks pulled up after an hour drive. I slept majority of the day with the girl, who was very understanding of my absense and laid beside me.

Fifteen days in Oregon, they all seem like a blur. The day my father passed with full of things to get done, paperwork and thank you wise. We followed our list around town and I existed on coffee. We stopped and got our hair down as we were heading out to dinner with some neighbors and Janene, who graciously dropped everything to come and get me. I was just going to get a blow-out when I asked the stylist what he would do with my hair. After years of the same hairstyle, I let him cut it and it felt great to have the change. We actually found a real restaurnat in ol' Roseburg and headed out knowing we were going to drink our sorrows away. It got off to a slow start as we were not helped right away but in the matter of an hour we had the owner at our table and were on our second bottle of champange. We toasted to the long life of Ray and enjoyed our evening. Three bottles of champange, apps, and dessert made four ladies extremely giggly. We got home and decided it would be a great idea to dye my hair. You can call me red now!

Back to Portland in a haze, we pulled out of the drive way and I told Janene to stop the car. The orange juice that I just jugged didn't agree with me and up came mimosa puke. Thank goodness for the staple of hangover food McDonalds. The rest of the day was spent not being able to complete a sentence or carry a thought for more than a moment. The perfect person to be incoherant with was Didi and we spent happy hour over margaritas just chatting away.

The great thing about having guy friends is how they can wrap you in their arms and make you feel so secure. I am fortunate to have many guy friends and I lingered in each of their arms.

A bbq was thrown in my honor and it was great to have everyone attend and see the overwhelming love and support I have in my life. Plus whenever my friends get together we spend the whole time laughing and telling embarrassing stories.

Saturday, reality started to settle in. I sat on the couch all day beside heading down to Manzana for my favorite soup and four Bud Lites. I watched a movie and ignored every phone call while just stareing at the walls.. A good friend came over and just held me and allowed me to have the break down that I knew was coming but had been put off until I could be in someones arms.

Father's Day...calls were a plenty. I spent the day de-personalizing my loft as I am about to rent it. Each picture frame held a happy memory and every picture on my fridge was taken down with pause on remembering the moment. Graciously Janene offered up her father for the day and I spent my last night having dinner with her family.

I know that I am going to be okay. I am strong. I am the daughter of a strict but fair father. I am the center of a circle of friends who hold me up when I am unable to stand. I am best friends with my mom. I am loved.

blue dots

My mom has these tissues convientiantly placed every where around the house. They have come in hand for the obvious reasons and well as the allergies that are adding tormenant to my life right now. Everytime they get wet, these blue dots brighten up. I am unsure of why but I will admit that I look at my snot to see if it is green or clear and healthy every once in a while. Since the introduction of the blue dot klennex in my life (a week ago) everything into the tissue intrigues me as I am waiting for the dots to turn different colors.
Right now the dots don't mean a thing as my dad has passed.

birds

Every hour a different bird is chirping. It is really quite disturbing because not only is the damn clock annoying in every sense of the word, but it reminds us that another hour has gone by with no progress. Day six of my holdup in Roseburg and my dad is feistier than ever. We have given him enough drugs to tranquilize a horse and he is still fiddling about. I have also drugged my mom and put her to bed due to the lack of sleep she is experiencing so it just me and the caregiver hanging out. I am bummed because I feel like I am missing summer and I know this sounds terrible but I am ready to have my dad and family, for that matter at peace. My mom has me cutting up little cards and drawing things, gluing them to trees and I am at the point of delirium that it makes perfect sense to be doing such a thing. Every night I cook dinner and make something exotic (compared to life in NJ) because she has a clean kitchen and supplies to do it. Last night was the exception because I had dental work and my whole face was numb, all the way up to my eyeballs, so I am not making dinner if I can't enjoy it! The bird is about to chirp again so it my signal to move to a different room in the house and shake life up a bit.

rainy day

We are taught from a young age to desire instant gratification. It is re-inforced through out our daily lives in things like atm machines, drive throughs, etc. We want results and we want them now. It is something even more drilled into those of us who live in the New York area...now, now, now, we don't have the time to wait. Being pulled out of that enviroment and set into that of a slow town where the most exciting event of the whole week was the dentist has thrown me for a loop.
It is day four of my time here with the family and we are all waiting. The caregiver, the nurses who stop by, mom and myself. The pace of activity is set by my father. We he awakes we rush to his side asking him what he wants or needs but it is difficult to understand. So we do what we think may make him comfortable. The cycle of life is real, it is like the body returns to a state of reliabilty and need. The hardest part of all of this for me is watching a once strong man become week before my eyes. My go, go, go life has come to a slow and unsteady pace forcing me to do nothing but wait.

living in the haze we call june

The month of June thus far has felt like a fog. A thick fog around my head as I lay in bed unable to get up without exhausation. It was the first time I have been sick since starting this job and it was miserable to be so far away from home and not feel well. The good news was that I was sleeping so much during the muggy days of the NE while in a loft bed sweating out all the impurities as well as a few pounds to boot. My first sick call made me feel guilty but I got over it quickly as I spent my last day of "being sick" in the city. I met Lynne in the city that she and I share such a love for in time for a cocktail followed by dinner on Christopher Street at a delightful restaurant called Garage. Much to our surprise, a full jazz band played for our entertainment. Pomagrante martinis and the company of new friends, followed by dessert in the village was the recipe for a wonderful evening.

My first trip of the month took me to DCA then back and back to DCA followed the next day by a PBI turn. Alright we can do this...I checked in for my trip and still felt a bit off of my game. We were informed of a three and a half hour ground stop once we reached DCA. I went to turn on my phone to see if anyone sent me some love over the fourty minute flight. There it was, the message I had been preparing myself for for over a year now..."come home". I went into panic mode has I tried to figure out how I was going to get home to Oregon. I made the calls to the supervisors, told the captain, and with some doing made it on the plane the next morning.

I was greeted at my favorite airport by my favorite friend Janene. A stop for gas, snacks, and coffee and we were on our way to Roseburg. She was amazing with my family and exhibited strength and compassion that anyone would be lucky to witness let alone have it touch their lives.

Now it a waiting period. Waiting for the end of a good man's life. I am here for support but have yet to gain the strength I need to handle this situation. I am still in a haze of thoughts and activities. Nothing matters now other than being here.

news

We are trained to look for it everyday, through security, on the way to the gate, during boarding, and through out the flight. My first medical emergency was located in first class when people were up for the bathroom lead me to believe it was a diversionary tactic. It isn't until something big happens that it hits the public eye.
Yesterday I called in sick as I had spent the whole day in bed, the thought of 0430 airport alert made me even more exhausted. I awoke today at 1330 with the news of threats of the attacks. I am so glad that I am not working today seeing how the news is showing all the planes out on the runway with no where to go. I am relived not to be working today but a little bit of me is curious as to what is going on at the airport. But here I am safe at home with all the roomies watching the news intermittently during episodes of Sex in the City.